memoir

Dating

I like dating. The experience of dating men has been baffling and confusing. Do they all literally only want one thing? On that assumption I do let them pay for my drinks and meal and never even go halves. They also take me to the zoo and the opera for free.

The other thing about men is that I'm also quite manly so then we have quite manly conversations about politics and work and then I know everything about their career and give them career advice. They also all want something like a really good Netflix playlist to boast about so then we end up watching action films except for the rare few who watch romcoms.

My first boyfriend was age 15 with Wilo Wilson who was actually a complete doochbag jerk except he was very nice to me until he went to Spain and got a Spanish girlfriend and dumped me in a text. He was a total chav who would do the school exercise of knocking on doors to get money for charities except he stole it and spent it on drugs.

I must admit I snogged Barry Conway behind a shed during a game of hide and seek age 12 after having a husband age 5.

Second boyfriend was Daniel Alvey who got me drunk on results night and slept with me that I didn't remember happening so I dumped him. Got a nice penknife as a memento. In our goodbye he listed out the events of our future when we get back together a little older. These never occurred.

This is about a man I like now as a friend. The next boyfriend was Aubrey O'Neill, aged 18. We would hide from the rain while he wore his slippers to meet all the way from the top of Hill in the pblic toilet until the doors automatically opened. Inside we were snogging. His house was full of his smothering mother, curious younger sister and dithering Dad.

After Aubrey came Killian. He and I had a tempestuous love affiar where he would make me pancakes and I would bring him to night clubs and help him with his homework. This was at university. Eventually I cheated on Killian with my ex Aubrey and dumped Killian so I wouldn't be always a cheater. Then the next boyfriend came quite rapidly. This is a tale of woe. Only joking.

The next boyfriend is Sean who is from my hometown and we stayede together from three years at uni so it was very serious but when he did propose it was when drunk and then he weeed on my brand new designer coat and passed out so I didn't take it seriously and he never brought it up.

I dumped him shortly afterwe moved in together which I actually did do as part of the breakup plan and then I got to live on my own in an apartment.

After Sean was James McDonnell whose mother was a high court judge so I had lots of interesting conversations with her and listened to James reciting film knowledge and became quite knowledgeable myself. I like him a lot and I told him I loved him before he told it to me.

Period of single occurred. It was actually quite amazing!

4 years later I started internet dating in the UK during my PhD and met quite a lot of dates that I used to consider 9 month boyfriends but really we were just dating as it was never made official and I dumped each of them with a text when I couldn't hack it any more. They were all really nice and well educated and we had interesting conversation and spent a lot of time together but it typicaly never progressed to meeting friends or family and I dumped them and mvoed on. The 9 month dates lasted 5 years.

Then came Koen Remmerswaal the Dutchie who I lived with during the pandemic doing things like baking for a three item menu dessert and watching cartoons. We got a dog together and then I wwwent travellig and dumped him because I fell in love with a gay yoga instructor more than Koen.

Three years after that, I slept with a guy in the sanatorium three times and then he proposed to me after I dumped him and ignored him and he was a millionaire/billionaire. In the sanatorium a lot of guys made a move on me, one of them admitted he liked cows better during the rejection and then later asked again and again and gave me little bunches of flowers from the garden and free cigarrettes. I am okay now.

I am okay now. And I wwant to get married soon. So I have been dating here in France on one no show and two dates so far! Both dates want to be my boyfriend but I'm choosing date number 2 because he's actually taking me places like the lake and brought me a kebab while the other guy likes only the bedroom. But I might marry him.

Friends

My first friend was Ciaran Leonard at playschool and we would do teddy bears picnics together. Then my neighbour Kevin Shane was my best friend and we would ride our bikes and climb trees and promise to get married when we got older. Another amazing young childhood friend was Michelle Doyle who was also my best friend, we would do art and computers and biking on the mountain bike trail and freewheeling down the hill.

My next friend came as Rebecca Murphy and a small friendship group as well as Aoife and Sonya. Rebecca and I would write poems together and make short films and then she introduced me to boys and got me my first snog etc. Eventually she became such a chav and developed narcisstic disorder so I couldn't be aaround her any more. Aoife and Sonya and I would catch ccrabs in the river and go to the gym and shared ballet classes.

After that I started drinking with Leann Rigney and her group of friends because they liked talking about things like art and even maths. Anne and I were good friends in that group and she stayed at mine every single weekend until she got a boyfriend. I threw Anne a massive house party when my parents were on holiday because she was a bit depressed aand the house got trashed but I cleaned it up and no onnne ever knew.

At university I had Killian after our relationship ended as well as Jazz and quite a large group to hang out with from my class as well as the Maths Society crew so we had lots of house [arties kind of frat style and I hung out with some other societies as well and then there was Meabh sister from another mister.

After uni I lived with James and hung out with Mel's crowd for partying and brunches and movie nights. Then I went to London and hung out with my housemates and classmates exploring London bars and throwing wild arts parties.

After London I went to a sanatorium and hung out with some older ladies doing a kind of knitting club there. After that I went to Swansea and met Miya and Tim on my first weekend and connected at a Chinese restaurant soon to be going to operas and ciruses and having dinnrers at their home.

In Swansea I had a lot of friends and went to a lot of events and homes including Jody through whom I met Kit. I kept my first housemate Marianne as a friend and a later housemate Judit the Hungarian too.

After Swansea I went home for three months and met Cecilie the Dane. She's so amazing. After that I went to Milton Keynes.

In Milton Keynes I had two friendship groups for picnnics and tea parties and boardd games and camping and barbecues. I there met Louise the personal coach.

After Milton Keynes I went to the Hague but with the pandemic it was very hard to make friends except for amazing Maria the Italian scientist who I met on a city tour. At the same time I speak to Ika the Indian a lot who I met at UCD from abroad.

After the Hague things were static because in Greece I only had Emmanuel for talking to and making camp fires but we lost touch even though I intend to visit him in Switzerland.

After Greece I was just hanging out with Maria and then my parents until I'm now setting myself up in France and have Arnaud as a good friend and I'm meeting with Joey and I also think he will be a good friend.

Family

My immediate family were bananas growing up and we are kind of close even though they really just tease me a lot. My extended family the cousins and sunts and uncles are a big part of my growing up and I now see them at weddings and funerals.

Fun times

I have had a lot of fun times, fun being an ideal way to recharge as an infant or an adult so these include birthday parties, outings, picnics, wine, beers, pubs, night clubs, dancing on tables, dancing on my own, doing art at home, going to artist workshops, doing a residency, doing a marathon, going out for a gentle jog, climbing a tree, putting on makeup, laughter yoga, cracking a badly remembered joke, giving someone self esteem, turning someone's life around. Getting onto a rollercoaster in more ways than one has always been a sure pick me up. Other ideas are dinners, dates, hang outs, video games, horse riding, hand stands, yogercise, dancercise, boxercise, tango, ballroom dancing, smoking. The like.

Travelling

The countries I have been to include Ireland, UK, France, Germany, Belgium, the Netherlands, Luxembourg, Bulgaria, Spain, Italy, Iceland, Sweden, USA, Canada, Vietnam, South Korea, Japan, Turkey, Northern Ireland, Czechia, Denmark, Greece and most of them more than once.

Philosophy

My first philosophy was that everyone deserves to be happy no matter their location of birth or intelligence and my other philosophies include philosophy on the origin of time etc and about the meaning of life.

These philosophies include the reasooning that anyone can probably achieve anything given the right upbringing, education and resources, origin of time etc goes to something spontaneously coming from nothing. As well as what's it's all about: community sharing and caring.

My other discorvery is that what it's all about is being and doing.

Art

My first big art attempt was a paper duck sculpture in the children's area of the Tate to impress the staff and be a millionaire. Since then I've been addicted to art! Eventually I went to two art colleges and learned a lot even though I didn't get good grades. I love being in an art studio more than anything.

Science

I did a project on space at school and then had a chemistry kit and then devised some thought experiments and then studied theoretical physics and then nanotechnology and published papers then I became a freelance scientist and published solo papers. Hey presto, I wantt badly to have a Nobel prize.

Visions

I get visions from Archangel Gabriel and they last quite a long time. I hae had two so far, one lasted 8 months and this current vision is ongiong in year 3. They have been a kind of dream vision involving romane and new age or film or science or literature etc inspiration and guidance as well as helping me form as myself because the world doesn't have adequate resources for me to be me. The first one involved being possessed by a ghost and deciding ectoplasm is just saliva and some film making intesnity at art college plus a fake romance with a professor and an invisible man.

The second vision is a cartoon involving a brain aliien goddess, Zues as a romantic partner, Elon Musk as a romantic partner, Robert Downey Junior as a romantic partner and Archangel Gabriel as a roantic partner. The meaning is still unclear but marriage and theology are a clear theme. Part of the meaning is that Elon Musk was my favourite husband from the vision so maybe the person he has promised to set me up with will be a lot like Elon or a bit like them all and actually the Archangel Gabriel character was more of an emotional regulation robot character like a romancing machine in a kind of energy label but much more like a rugby player who eats hard boiled eggs than anything so maybe that is just a reassurance that Archangel Gabriel is present as has been stated because it's also a scary vision because it's partially nightmare to resolve my unconscious.

Career

My career began age 7 when I worked in the cousin tuck shop at the bottom of the stairs in my grandparents house selling candy bars to my aunts and uncles and other cousins. My next job was age 11 selling bracelets I had made in the school yard. After that I worked for my father in his company soldering circuit boards age 15. Then I worked for him again doing coding aged 16. Then I worked in the local nightclub cloak room taking in the coats. Then I worked in the local school bookshop that was also a newsagents. After that came an internship at university studying and doing research in biophysics nanotechnology on a super computer and after than came an internship in reinsurance at a global reinsurer and after that cam masters, PhD and then trainee attorney in patent law specialising in multidisciplinary and then part qualified patent attorney specialisng in internation multinational litigatioin and then now I am a successful crypto trader and NFT artist almst retiring to be a constant author and blogger.

Travel details

I have been on numerous friendship holidays and a few boyfriend holidays and a number of family holidays. Friendship holidays are the best, a real way to let loose. We go and do karaoke, go clubbing, sit on the beach at dawn or midday, swim in the pool, go to a museum, talk to randomers, tell stories, sit around a camp fire. Talk about our lives. It's so soothing and cathartic and enjoyable to be on a friendship holiday.

Work details

At the shops I succeeded by being very quick of hand and smart in my attitude while at my adult jobs I suceeded by becoming expert at time manaagement and abstract logical thinking. In my research work I presented at conferences and led the study. As a lawyer I worked on the top profile cases and interacted directly with the top clients of the firm even leading complicated international disputes at a level of complication usually given to managing partners.

Superhero ventures

I am prone to superhero activity like casting out huge amounts of negative energy by drawing on a ley line and giving the planet Reiki and also posting ideas in dream logic online that affecct the collective unconscious then I also sometimes ste through an energy barrier to render it useless and my superpowers are energy work, diviniation, bit psychic and a little bit prophetic.

Divne interventions

Thee have occurred number of times in my life to help me because I am the Chosen One and my family are very abusive.

Conversation

My conversation ranges from film and TV to theatre and acting and heavily politics and oppinions and then delves into the personal.

Friendship moments

Things and times like going to Into the Wild and standing on a boat under Niagra Falls and doing karaoke in a small bar in Prague and having board game evenings in a boar game cafe.

Romantic moments

Like going to an exclusive tapas restaurant hidden down a beautiful lane, being at a famous beach in the mizzle, going to the Lake District and boating around. Mitching off school.

Cassandra

Age 34 I was made aware that there was a person living in my body besides myself so all the seeming clumsy and annoying behaviour of my right side was actually Cassandra. She is now deceased and I am free of feeling inept, sluggish and broken.

Dogs

The dogs I have experienced living with are Flurry an adorable collie, Inky a charming labrador, Luna a grumpy but sophisticated collie and Monty and over eager and very daring ottterhound.

Aunts and Uncles

Linda, Michael, John, Stefan, Jacinta, Martin, Linda, Niall, Siobhan, Rory, Hilary, Stephen, Helen, Bindy, David, Cathie, Andy, Bryan.

Cousins

Anna, Peter, Jane, Henry, Michael, William, Ross, Stephanie, Louise, Anna, Juliana, Rachel, Paul, Myles, Pearse, Una, Lawrence, Jonathan, Jack, Rory, Austin.

Siblings,

Andrew, Ruth (waster poptarts).

Parents

Ian, Trish (emotionally removed for all of time).

Emotion

I have always had quite positive emotion until the nightmare and the agony during the nightmare but usually I am quite upbeat, keep myself in good order, well dressed, good attitude,tidy, mannerly, happy, content, calm. Caassandra was fond of putting me in a panic from time to time but normally I am very measured and enjoy basically all I choose to do.

Brain space

My brain space is usually quite full but now that I am a praying person on an Archangel plan it is decompressing and I look forward to more brain spacce. This will be ever so delightful. It is usually full and choc-a-bloc with thoughts and ideas and a work load and a hectic social schedule.

Social contact

The thing about social contact is that it's needed to some extent maybe even just by a book unless one is really needing time to one's thoughts. But if you think about it no one on the planet except for a desert nomad and even he interacts with an insect probably. So is it needed or is it considental? How alone can I be? I'm wondering because I have actually been very social in the past and now feel overloaded and needing to withdraw and I'm being put into hermitage by an archangel named Gabriel for ten years but obviously not in the wilderness it will be in a town on the outskirts of a city.

Questions

Is it a loss? Is it left behind? Is it anywhere whatsoever? Do there be more than that? Can it go on? Forever, what's that about? Is it life? What else is it? Do I think? Do I brethe? What do I do? Where are we going? And, why? What is the point of it all? What is this locomotion I am sensing? Why do we forget all we have ever learned? Why bother?

Outoing queries

What is the point of a patent? Why do we do the experiment this way? What's the meaning of this tool? When did this gradation tube get invented? Why are you looking at me that way?

Understanding

An Archangel made me suicidal. I want to be married tomorrow. Next thing on my to do list is.... suicide prevvention.

Prevention of hotline calls

I actually phoned the abused prerons hotline based on an imagining when I should have phones up the Samaritans aged 15. More's the shame.

Begginning of an ending

Everything is like that.

Ending of a beginning

Everything is like that.

Going on

Only because I'm a Heaven destined person hating my reality.

Going out.

I really don't want to became my reality is so messed up but at the same time I can't stay at home because I hate it.

Wanting to do

There are so many things I am still wanting to do despite having done many of my bucket list items already. I make a bucket list every year would be typical. I want to go horseback riding and kayaking and canoeing and driving and biking annd on a scooter and to go to some kind of gala or red carppet as well as art fairs and institutions as a volunteer.

Things done

Itmes checked off the to do list are pony riding, horseback riding as a child, go karts as a child, video games to the extreme, cinema frequenter, theatre fan, opera afficionado, dancer teen and adult, socialitte, boat rides, snow boarding, wine tasting, sherry tasting, Asian travel, North American travel, Niagara Falls and then some.

Conversations

I have had a lot of conversations including all sorts of tongue twisters and personal landscape roadmaps. Anoother type of coversation is the intro conversation.

Group gatherings

I have been to many including bithdays, centennaries, business openings.

Relationships

I have had six real relationships, maybe five. Being boyfriends that is. And 32 real friends. My latest relationship was figmentary in a vision but now I am still feeling dumped! Am I married in a confusing situation?

Anecdotes

One time I was working for the US marine corps on a patent about cruiser fuel when I realised that it could be applied to making any kind of fuel and would also clean up the ocean So I put it into the letter into the EPO. My mother routinely throws my discoveries, inventions, diaries and artworks in the bin and I routinely make them.

Remembering all the lost treasure

Age young I made a glorious paper duck out of green and blue coloured paper with outspread wings like a duck flapping on a lake. Later I made glorious papier mache like a dog pen holder and then some clay items like realistic human forms mimicking Rodin and Michealangelo. I made a wicker bird and a tinfoil dragonfly both the length of an arm. I made a small turn clay pot and a thown clay vase painted orange and black. I drew large oil pastel circles on drawing paper to reinvigorate the arts. That kind of thing. I made wind chimes out of shattered glass and made a wooden box from unused flooring.

The Real Reality

Age 0 I was born. It was basically happy ever after since then except for horrific suicidal causing negative emotion for a few months aged 17 which I overcame. Maybe all teenagers get that kind of mood swing.

I had friendship group after friendship group to cater to my every whim and now at the ripe old age of 34 I am selecting who to reconnect with to be close to for my remaining days. What's bad about that? Lots of success academically and career wise too. I got straight As all the way through (a few Bs one C and an E in general relativity) but top marks of the class every time.

I played so many sports I can barely count them and I learned many many forms of dance, my favourite pursuit. My family are royally upbeat and merry making and I laugh every single day. I cry at a big thought because I'm a Pisces but it's not really sadness it's more like longing that I then journey to fulfill.

The Big Journey

From cradle to grave. I've come close to the grave a few times but mostly I've been surfing on a wave of triumph.

Recent struggle

Is it a cosmic trick to wind up married to an ignorant person called Archangel Gabriel or is it a complicating cartoon healing in a vision that just seemed real and now already seems like it was not real? It must be the latter!

Old struggle

Being a nowhere in the nothing as a no-one. I resigned myself safely ensconced to the Hinterlands of living when my family trauma (we all have our problems) made me into a Somni oracle speaking only fere advice and asking for nothing in return. Rather than becoming wasted to the point of disintegrating I retreated and discovered a small section of the universe that is in fact quite vast and unpopulated to be residing in at an askance angle to existence itself.

Nowhere life

My nowhere life left me feeling confused because I was so angry at my family for forcing me out into the cold but actually they did it by mistake and I adore them. The nowhere life is spent mostly on the streets, wandering and looking at urbania smoking cigarretttes and kickeing my shoes on the ground. A good day is finding a coin.

Somewhere life

In as close as it can be admitted to have had existed I have powered through from one friendship group to the next always waitning for a click. Eventually divine intervention told me that because I raised myself as a qusi orphan in the Nowhere world I was unable to make real friends or even forge real bonds. So this current chapter of my life is vision life and coming to terms and making the most of the many ingredients I have at the ready. My life will be a strawberry custard cake, I'm sure of it.

In between places

I have always enjoyed in between places immensely, like the walk to see a friend, being on a trina to the airport, waiting in a queeueu. There is something very soothing about being in between.

The likes and dislikes

I have always liked cucumber and I have sometimes liked macaroni cheese and ham. I have always liked milk and curry. I do not often like sausages or bacon or meat in general especially since the flavour is so readily avaiable without any gristle in a meat free vaariety.

Memories

A picnic aged 8, hanging out on the wall beside the Pink Shop aged 14, going to see dragontrig at a free house in someone's back garden aged 17. Being sat on the ground in a little circle outside the physics building sharing our stories and smoking weed. Seeing my swollen face at CSM. Going to danygraig road in Swansea for a life transfomration by nature of the home and the housemates. Being in Milton Keynes having a picnic under some trees on a Summer's day with a group of women. The Hague Haagse boss all times of the year with the world under the grips of a deadly pandemic. Arnemuiden after a complete brain blip talking to the Virgin Mary about hats on Downton Abbey. The eleven kingdom deep in the mountains of France. Narbonne wooden balcony. Limous men being perverted, Brax, solitude and peace with an excelllent desk for writing.

Pivotal moments

Deciding to take opportunites when they arise and be on an adventure when I was in MK! Going to CSM because I knew I'd regret it if I didn't. Going to all thse first dates and opening the window of my nowhere home to breath.

Dreams

I often dream about my school friends, now I am dreaming about my adult life so far friends. In a dark room or a known location just repeating an actual moment that existedmore or less that way around.

Pets

My first pet was a dog, then a dog, then a cat, then a fish then a dog, then a dog of my own!

Faeries

I saw fairy forts all through my time in Ireland and in Iceland I saw faery houses which eventulally were also visible as faery doors in Wicklow.

Dragons

I was intrigued by dragons and hence Wales ever since I found out they have a dragon on their flag, making them the coolest nation. Then came game of thrones IN Wales and I was ecstatic.

Owls

I used to think pigeons cooing in the rafters were sleepy owl hooting. I adore owls and owl imagery such as in Celtic symbology.

Sports not played

I was inveited but never went to : caving, jugger, quidditch, skiing,handball and jiatsu. I did play touch rugby, netball, foosball, pool, basketball, karate, kickboxinng, gymnastics, dance and gym workouts.

Dances danced

The RAD syllabi until advanced almost professional grades. Zoe's hip hop choreography, Jackie Olohan and her musical theatre, an angel in Grease and an Egyptian witch in Aida at the Opera House.

Kitty Kat Concept

I'm going to invent some concepts to help soothe myself and ridd myself of this incessant nightmare. Like Cassandra did in the vision.

Koala Bear Concept

Is like about peace and serenity as a kind of sparkling and coloured koala drawing representing a type of way of going about one's business.

Panda Bear Concept

Is a drawing in black and green representing pride and worship of the divine coupled with steadfastness and groundedness.

Eagle concept

Of a soaring coloured bird helps time pass enjoybably without the feeling of waiting for the big good luck.

Luck

Many visions have been received and communicated to me about impending goo luck.

Avenues

There was the friendhisp acenuc resulting in 500 lifee long frinds. There was the work avenue ersulting in 17 caareers.

There was the being in love avenue resulting in Vishu.

#thenwasnthe potltergeis ta venue resulting in nangel assitance and a man clled Padre. There was the studies avenue resulting in leanring time prioritising.

There's the illness avenuee that gradually escalated.

Roadmaps

to success, to lw key living, to hectic universe, to multi=path enjoymetnt, to world peace, to saving poeples souls. Etc!

Conclusion

A varied life, the next section is ful of the dream world I lived in for three years.