This is me...

Mum, dad and I are quite keen on a house we have seen in Brax which is for sale. It has a cabin in the garden which I am eyeing up to renovate and live in! It would be so amazing to really have my own space and separate entrance. I'm really looking forward to it, especially at that location because it's ideally situated on a quiet road very near everything like the centre of the village, the train station and the bus stop! I hope the house in wicklow sells before it gets snapped up by someone else because we all agree on it. Two terraces and a huge garden... Perfect for monty. 

This whole saga of leaving NLO, volunteering to be true to myself and moving to France with mum and dad is teaching me my own scorn for society. I couldn't abide it even though it was brilliant and working out... 🤷🏻‍♀️ What can I say except if I'm working on a patent draft with a coming deadline in a PANDEMIC and I'm too obsessed with the r ratio and reading clinical trials of vaccines with the motivation only to chip in about the global crisis (i published an article solving the patenting dilemma of vaccines), then maybe I'm a bigger picture person. If my main originality is writing and artwork and my art practice begins to consume me... Maybe something more serious than claim 1 is going on within myself that needs to be listened to. So, hate me about it, but I'm not going back. My parents are being so supportive I have huge freedom right now and I really am using it to solve my inner turmoil and have some direction. Besides which, there's MS and schizophreni...

Is my bedroom /study/den. I work and sleep in this space but between 2 and 6 the parents retreat for a nap and I have the living!/kitchen room to myself. So it's a flatshare, but of a dual habitat nature. I'm also off griod by them just owing me reciprocal payback from over the years. Nice time! 

Based on my holy experience, I have formulated a kind of mythology and pantheon of the gods I have encountered. At the top level are the creators, archangels and God. They are very powerful, knowing and able. Then comes Odin, a megagod of a certain soundedness and capability. Then comes Mahula, a wise and sacred woman. Then comes Archangel Gabriel, a uniquely powerful thinker. 

I have always struggled with faith, not because I have had a particularly hard life, actually I've been one of the lucky ones. But maybe because the availabile faiths are so rigid and judgemental. How could any god have subscribed to that? People with faith are also weird to be around, don't get me wrong, I had two life changing transformational experiences by going to Lourdes. But religious people seem somehow brainwashed. They don't really open up to anyone except their god, so I've never had a really good conversation with someone of the sort. So despite attending a Catholic school and even joining the Catholic society in Swansea and actually I'm technically a minister (costs $42 to register online and might be cool to perform a wedding or baptism someday) I've never found anything in faith that I really agree with. Becoming a yogi would be the closest to something of faith I've ever wanted to do (except for harbouring dreams of running away and joining a...

Currently I'm not in therapy but I have been thinking about my life and my struggles (everyone has something), and based on also thinking about all the therapy I've even had in the past, I'm now knowing it was my childhood as the source of my problems (Freud strikes again)! But I also possess the maturity to know that I actually had brilliant parents they just didn't quite get me until I was older. So, they of course disciplined me (not brutally just in general) and taught me some behaviour based on their understanding. I found this repressive and became dissociated as a result. I also wound up feeling a grudge against them for most of my life and a fear/phobia of people especially as regards closeness. So it really affected all of my relationships.