This is me...

Life is so strange that it can't be denied. Whatever the stages of shock are, I'm going through them! Currently it's disbelief yet certainty.  This morning I learned the clown concept and actually as a result I feel sooo much better. I actually handle my life! It's just been so bizarre that I was really struggling until I found clown! So now it's like... Copyright theft... Big red nose reaction! Or... Prayer as a question... Belly laugh! Or... Realising there's a wild dog in the apartment... Squeaky sound!!! Hahaha 

Circus clown Mime clown  Mimicry clown Town clown  Party clown  Solo clown  Team clown Animal clown  Holy clown  Jester clown  Cosmic clown 

 because... What can a clown not do? 🤡 

There's acrobatics There's a smiling dog There's a juggling bear There's a leaping frog There's an upside clown  With a wink on his shoulder  There's a cheeky Loki Hiding behind  A plastic boulder.  There's a circus song There's a circus crowd  And the tent is pitched  Loud and proud. 

I'm a clown You're a clown  We all live  In clown town The wheels go around  We bring back the pound  We all live in clown town Smiling clowns  Weeping clowns  Sideways clowns Choose YOUR colour  Because  We all live in clown town! 

I want to live in ckown town Where rain makes a smile smudge Where pain is no one's grudge Where there are no frowns Turn that frown upside down  Leave the laughter side To the people of Clown town.  Welcome, come in,  Said the circus poster Be a clown, you'll fit in  Well put you on the roster.  The clowns climbed a ladder And did a swan dive No one expected them To survive  The they gargled a tune And it all turned into laughter  THATis the key to A happy ever aftet. 

I wondet what ger dreams about, I can't wait to see hannah today and monty is an especially goid boy at the moment. Also, how many ways are there to know something like slime type cloudlikke thoughts... About money and religion being unrelatable, maybe in the context of myself. Money would be healing (they're giving me the poverty treatment 😂😭) but it's ages away, except maybe like kind of close. 2,3 more months until benefits? Big dream=3 beers in the bar! The thought is also about holy holies being sublime about accounting. It's also about my personal book collection that I have been making, it reeks of feminity and mystery as a theme! 

Is full of things I used to avoid like a plague. But maybe my truer self does enjoy mystery novels and a feminine agenda. It's all softcore punk at the same time! 

I really need to switch to vaping... My tongue is actually black! From all the tobacco. Vaping is delicious and portable and less cough making! In the meantime I'm making some progress by only smoking at home and vaping when I go out so. Ewhete (usually...) 

I just dreamt that I was participating in a doll competition with some friends from school. I had already explored the abandoned house it was hosted in and found really good material for dresz. I actually planned to use 25 dolls ro make ascene whereas some others were doing a single bigger doll. I was so sure I was going to win but I woke up right before the judhe caame over!! 

All the blue went away so I'm going to get it cut and dye it blonde!! Then I can use temporary colours! 

Would a true ckown survive anything because of seeing everything as hillarious and having the perennial ability to entertain? Clowns see a fun way to get through the day. They learn a certain attitude that brings with mmit alot of resilience. Maybe everyone should strive to be like a clown.  Clown college would obviously never get approved by elders but a clown society in every university and working man ckown clubs could teach it to everyone! I think it's a winning idea. So, release your inner clown 🤡. 

One day, day one, all were born. It went south. Continuously. Shut it down - they said. Hang on a darn second - said myself. I just saw someone smile about an apple, there's gold in them hills - i said. Then I mined it.  Hey presto! 

Involves feeling more alive inside and being more compus mentus. Definitely my face is emerging to my own eyes way of recognising. It's weird that I couldn't even feel my face for most of my life. Feeling chipper, ready teddy go, and all about healing and restitution. Still obsessed with ommetjes and blogging but I've also started reading 2001 space odyssey in french! 

I am having another transformation, I must have kicked off some sort of process. It's taking me to a different timeline. Where I am an actual queen of sorts and a messenger/go between preparing the soil. The message being : wait for the others, meanwhile :*hammer sounds*. 

 

Today is a day of great liberation resulting in fear. But how could anything really go wrong? It's all in the works in a nice simple format. I can definitely get through today and the weekend. I Won't forget my appointment on Monday and everything is just so. Local or accompanied! Or at least that moment. I'm going to be experiencing alone training 

The weather today is a bite of a damp chill owing to earlier rain. The clouds look ominous but the temperature is perfect for a light spring jacket! 

Today so far I have been out for ommetjes, written some of my novel and I made monty a handmade toy! I've been thinking alot about ger and my future. I really want him to be in it. Here's to hoping! I'm feeling jetset and prepared for the day, nothing in particular is on the agenda. It's kind of a chillout day. Do some bits and bobs.  Except for the transformation might continue. I'm glowing up! I'm a glow up star! I would describe my look as grunge, fancy lady, and punky. I'm a punky monkey.  The "telephone "conversation is full of ideas and motivation for healing myself for once and for all. Then I would maybe launch a self directed vendetta against self sacrifice. Any objections? I'm noting none. Still waiting for benefits... It's going to be so liberating and exciting to make a wellness routine once I have the money. There's all sorts, even in the village! Massage, nails, spa, hair salon, gambling, cafés. I could even eat out from t...

 I sometimes experience dark urges like laughing in dad's face, squeezing monty too hard, telling mum her facial hair is disgusting, asking hannah why she's so bad at life, telling ger to get over himself and move on.... I've even acted on it a little bit by just caving to some kind of pressure. I don't want to be that way.  I want to be honest and open with my people, and encouraging and making them laugh and smile!! This darkness I think comes from peeking at evil mentalities... Hopefully it will just sweep away with time and I just hope I can keep my senses or perspectives.... It's like a madness. Here's to hoping I come out the other side whole and well 🤞🏻 let's make that a prayer 🙏🏻 I will also have new wall art of a unicorn, I think a unicorn can always snap me back in. 

I am still silly old me, but I am also feeling empowered and somewhat changed or altered within myself thanks to this journey I have been on. My opinions etc are the same but I think I would just be prone to word them more strongly.  Is this confidence? Hmm. My new look is kind of nerd at the disco. Except also arthouse! Maybe it's my inner nineties coming out.  I am getting some deliveries today that might spark off more transformation and healing. Ideally I would achieve the conditions for automatic results (healing wise) soon. One big dose of... Fashion/decor/self expression. 

I'm thinking about life. Big thoughts about life. What's the ideal routine? (for MY life... Maybe to meta deploy) what's a good dog game? It's so nice to be out of catwalk clothes and wearing something more like my usual office/libabry/ pub outfit! As a life... Conversation (constant) visits (frequent) hobbies (small but special). So it's a pared down version of before but it's ideal for... Nesting! Cosy knits, wall art, nail paint. Big time nesting here in brax 

It's actually a magick spell from archangel Gabriel! It's works as a kind of telephone and surround sound system as well as moves me around sometimes and even helos me think more clearly. 

My next phase involves more explanation via prayer and adventures within brax ☺️ wonder what that will be like! 

We are a team of archangels who are genuinely interested in the role of herself and will be able to help her with the remaining issues. 

He's so dreamy.... He really looks like he's never wronged anyone! He's so polite, good natured and gregarious with everyone. He loves nothing more than a good chat and isn't fussed about rubbing his success in people's faces. He's bright and brilliant and hardworking. 

The mini adventures part of the vision have ended! Resulting in... Self knowledge and a theological awareness. Hmm maybe the gods really do do things for a reason! 

What about my Netflix life? I have watched sooo much tv! When cog fog or anything like fatigue or dazement kicks in, I have always gone to Netflix. 

Has actually always been... Chats. And bants. Even in the office my favourite part is the emails! Now that I'm an author, I feel like I'm communicating a message! 

I'm still in the wrong timeline! I have put so much effort into my conversation style that I really need to appreciate myself as an active listener and curious person. 

 Love is the subject of so much art and life decisions. I think this is an error. I'm not even talking about marriage but even those are dodgy. Love songs... Love stories... Love poems. Historical moments defined by love of a nation. It's become an excuse for bad or lazy behaviour. It's a global obsession. What's wrong with friendship so many ways around? Or introspection? That's much better to obsess about because friends stick but chasing love constantly means dejection or building a sexist trap. We should all be hearing friendship songs on the radio. I'm a classic gal pal, I love being anyone's friend. I get a real kick out of just hanging out ir grabbing a coffee. However society makes it difficult to connect, outside of romantic relationships. How many dating apps and how many friendship apps? Especially since we can really learn alot from friendship. So Byron talked up love so much it's all anyone even livez for!  Given it makes sense t...

 as a feminist, I have a lot of thoughts about men. They are domineering and chauvinistic for the most part (except for the gems out there ☺️). But I since I studied physics and worked with men, I have learned how to handle them. They can be managed and defused and befriended by simply challenging them when you first meet them! Then they can be an absolute gem or a diamond in the rough. You just have to watch out for their barbs, they usually can't handle a woman being better than them.  Then gems are exquisite, honorary feminists.  Gender taints our lives because it's still not sorted out. People don't even consider adapting around gender norms they for the most part still accept them. I'm still striving for equality and equal opportunity. That's my feminist mission statement.  Gender is a definer, no matter what you try to be about it, being agender or androgynous is liberating but it's an even trickier label. We don't even really learn about i...

I went with monty to the foret for a good long walk, I did some ommetjes and blogging, I experienced a transformation, I went to the braxeen bar with dad and then dinner was a lebanese spinach and sausage dish. Then I had a bath and went to sleep. 

Maybe I'm the nymph of meta! 

He's a champ and I'm determined to marry him! If he's reading this... Whistle to me the tune of titanic! 

Dear diary I have now realised hugely with relief (I'm not cut out for responsibility), that I am merely a meta person maybe of the pixie type! That's why I struggle with everything unless it's gigantic ☺️ So now my identity crisis draws to a close! If anything besides, I'm a paranormal pixie! 

I'm in purgatory... So I feel like... A bit stuck. But maybe more like sleepy, yet wide awake. There's so much to do about knowing myself and getting to grips with my role in everything using my current belongings and the local area that there's nothing needing changing... So I had already the intense self awareness section so now it's kind of like downtime in a pleasant in between place. In between life and eternity.  I intend to use this time for resting and writing. Maybe more....?!? I'm praying day in day out but my confusiomng existence really does need some answers, answers I am actually getting. And monty is here! As well as hannah and ger. The dream people are very friendly and targeted at helping 😊 

Dear diary, I've been delusional again. I was just starting to think I'm some kind of mini god when I got snapped back in.  I'm just me, silly old me. Doing a storyline. There's not alot to it but trying to be helping while preserving myself from seeing the carnage. It makes me despair.  God did a fab job and wisely delegated but the other less exhausted creators really should have seen it, archangels have that ability. Like a fourth eye.  But back to sensible... I really don't know sensible any more except I'm waiting for my benefits and just chilling out. Why? Because I really feel I deserve it. What I'm needing maybe is prayer, and serenity. With a few jokes thrown in for good measure.  I'm a disabled dog mom away in fairy land half the time. So wish me well 😉😜☺️🐕 

All my sandals chafe... And they're nothing like the gladiator or flip flops direction I was going in! Maybe they're more practical, but what's wrong with gladiator! They're practical too! My calisthenic sandals are very comfy I must admit especially for a day in toulouse! Or even a dog walk. My hiking sandals can take me anywhere, admittedly. But gladiators would make me less of a "hardy", "active" type into more sedentary and bbq prone. What's wrong with that? 

Is getting up before dawn, going for an ommetje, blogging or writing in my novel (currently stuck so it's a thinking phase), breakfast, ommetje, writing, wandering, contemplating incertitude, getting my pj's on, having a bath, chillaxing. Interrupted by weekend getaways, visitors, meeting with hannah, going to the braxeen bar or le local, day dreaming about marrying ger, talking to monty, excursions with my parents (toulouse museums, pibrac cafés, colomiers lunches) etc. 

I feel largely the same in terms of motivation, direction, wants, needs, everything even tastes. Just... A) bigger b) more profound c) smarter. But at the same time my brain is healing because my insomnia is ending! Watch this space for more photos. 

I am suddenly transformed... Wow! I've been doing a kind of intentional be me idea for a while, just trying to be more authentic than usual and today after taking monty to the foret, I feel brand new. A bit the same but it really feels more natural. More empowered to speak my two cents, more courageous and I can now see in the mirror "she never gave up on inner peace". This might be my bhudda moment! 

The current timeline as a role maker is still not accurate. I'm a seed planter AND a germinator and a gardener...! 

A queen quazo would rule by injunction and affability. She brings about constant change between oldish to newer maybe even back again. She judges fairly and squarely. She reciprocares because the people have to earn a sunrise of the sunrise queendom. She cavorts with her coterie and menagerie and brings in expert consultants.  Magical ventions are common and her imagination is the source of her power. She must seek to be well liked, constantly earning her title. 

I like to choose an easy writing idea so that it flows onto the page with minimal effort. I used to choose what seems most "authentically surreal" would be one example but then the story doesn't quite exoress my intention so I pretty much invent even the genre as i go along. I reach into my imagination and find the creative thought of least resistance after some premeditation 

Everything (as is visible on earth) is kind of going through a shifting phase... Everything is shifting in shaoe, form, function and meaning. People are shifting towards kind actions and away from sinning maybe towards a kind of euphoria. An exultant lifestyle. Animals are becoming more cooperative and forgiving and developing their concepts like death disease, food, nutrition as well as leisure time.  The gods are shifting from strict and regimental to empowered to be forgiving and acting out of grace. They are led by God and he will choose their direction. Gods have a very complicated mindset thats difficult to grasp. Everything about the transformation phase is up and running. The megagods will take it further, being of a "twisted" (super zarl, so opposite) mindset such as to imagine the hefty ideas. 

I lived in a lab for some time before my entry to reincarnation, outside of the mortal system. I learned loads and was kind of sent here on a mission.  My previous life to earth was as a holy queen where I was in love with a bishop. I think the bishop is here in purgatory.... GER is his earth name! 

I am in a constant vision because I'm very unwell so it's a magical aid. But also, the guys upstairs wanted to speak with me, even for the last five years and also the next 18 weeks. Then I've become such friends with them, they might stick around to keep me company in purgatory.  Also, purgatory! Weird experience but quite dreamy altogether. The give me mini adventures to be solving scenarios that are maybe loosely based on reality. I actually don't know if my ideas for a solution were effective but it is basically that which I am doing all day every day. I get breaks in the form of singing sounds and suggestions like going for a beer or music suggestions.  I spend a lot of time lying down because, I really am unwell right now.  I've got a psychiatrist and numerologist and neurologist, so I will be ok soon. 

It's a very holy time in my life, mum found an angel handprint (it was glowing!). And obviously the blog has clued anyone in. So a lot of what I'm doing could count as praying.  I'm big time STILL struggling because I am actually an aEtheist building myself an agnosticism. I know they exist but I really don't agree with the bible (or other books), but apparently that's part of the mission, rewrite it. This is going to be a long road as a prophet that way. Not only that, but because of a past life scenario I know answers to all sorts of questions. I actually never knew about these issues I'm being asked to solve but apparently it's my destiny.  It's things like "losing willpower over time". Earth has also been affected by me because allegedly some kind of ancient energy I've been carrying got activated. It's intriguing (can't wait to read the book) but it's stressful and chaotic. I don't really know what I'm doing but bec...

Things I never knew I never knew and i still don't know are more important than my own life... And now I'm utilising skills from some distant past. I'm freaked out by this whole "responsibility" so I just do something that seems safe and get back to drinking. How is it that I am expected to know anything? It's totally unfair.

Very lucky to be surrounded by great people in my life. Its a pleasure to know them. Everyone is a reflection of the people they spend time with, so choose wisely. Some people can be a bad influence or a toxic combination.  I am also very fortunate to be born in Europe, but everyone has something they can learn to appreciate about their homeland.  I am also indebted to my parents for teaching me so well and raising me to be a good person. 

I started out, like so many, resolving to never be a smoker. Now I've been a smoker for 13 years. I actually really enjoy smoking culture : cigars, cigarettes, vaping and i even own a pipe! Smoking culture in france is especially amazing, the flavour is brilliant. 

Could be like an ocean In the sweltering sun Under an awning  To become undone Could be like hawaii All starlight lit With a caravan in a field  And a pint of bitter Could be a way For the world to know  Itself and to then Reap to sow Could be like an oven Chock full of cakes Bitter and sweet Just the smell of the bake Could be like a window  On times gone past What did we say? To the weariedass.  Where was the mercy? When will be the dawn.  When is the next  Cosmic yawn..  .  Oh sleepy life I came and I went  My alarm clock is ringing  Let open the steaming vent. 

Are dreamy in the most fantastic way What's a great way to live except to  Learn and play.  What's the meaning of a life? Except to stay Where you are loved On the wings of a dove Because  It's rare.  What's a day to the night watch man Does he sit and eat Soup from a can Does it all boil down To sugar and spice  What do we do. With  Oursekves At the dawn.  Except yawn And meter it out Tea pours from a spout  Let the cat in  Let the cat out  Be all about.  So what's a spoon to  A china man.  A way to sloppily slurp From a green tin can. 

I am currently in a very underwhelming time line where I am an ass of all trades and a master of none. The evidence for the other timeline as a total success is montys adoration and progress and fancy food mum could never make, especially without a recipe. Hmm

Are full of light Are full of laughter  For the now And the hereinafter  Blue cows wail Lamentabke songs But their tails Grow 7 miles long Pinocchio rides a Pistachio bike And his nose makes a maneuver  Of a turn pike  Heaven and hell But where will we go! Surrely alaska To the driven snow! 

I have experienced a type of curiosity I could call unbounded which I believe to be replete. I have learned cosmology, particles, people, animals, plant life, art ideas, history and psychosocial systems.  This was what I was lacking before deciding on a career, maybe as an author I can draw on everything and see what pops up as the connector. 

I've been living my life to painstaking detail, wandering around and looking for clues (someone spotted had a nice vibe, a nice eyebrow, a nice way of stepping, nice group energy etc) and incorporating into the life of essentially the few people I've ever come across who I could actually stand being around for a whole weekend. Ideal high standards kind of worked out like that. I ve been family focused because I adore the whole bunch and the family banter! I also adore my friends. So any man entering the scene would be facing a high bar 😂 The things I've found I like are zany, witty, even the right kind of boring! Humour isn't even exactly essential more like a knack for recognising what really matters, I can see it about them to a degree and know it from their stories. Solid legends the whole bunch.

I ve lived a long life before, It was a fine time,  A wine time,  And other things of that sort.  I've always tried to  Be just kind to  Kind of like in general  Who could know what is really going on? So a smile  Or a wave  Or a wink Meaning  Just do the right thing mate  Could turn it all around  As for my life so far  (this one) I tried to be a real Contender A fences Mender A bridge builder  A means maker As a  Person would endeavour  Like my fellow earth people  Given half the chance  And maybe a clue 😉 People really are alright  They just don't often  Show it.  I set out to make friends  Mission achieved  I set out to know  The finer things  Mission achieved  I set out  To make memories  Mission achieved  I set out to learn a turntable  Mission failed  I resorted to yelling  Out my thoughts  Mission achieved  I set ou...

I went for a nice wander, I saw my future husband in the morning and then went on the bus to a local centro for groceries and a coffee with mum and I gave monty a new hobby. I also largely came to terms with my current life and discovered a bigger deeper version of myself! Overall, very good day so far! 

They live, they soar They let it roar,  They're undone  By a cinnamon bun.  What is it about the might That roars from on high That doesn't account  For the quiet guy.  Or the lazy toad Or stories untold.  Why MUST they be so severe,  Why must we all cower in fear? Their hearts are bold,  Their hearts are bright And they do fight The good fight.  If it's a break  Only I can heal I'd like them then To succeed.  Strong like a mountain  Based on a withering seed. 

My emotions are not unstable but they are turbulent. I'm forever looking for a way to drain them from my system. I'm still feeling sadness from 20 years ago! I also explode with mirth if unchecked.  I cry, I laugh, i freak out.  My emotions have been a result of even thoughts or observations. Even situations, even as a story. I get so caught up on "but how could it be possible!?!" about a tragedy, then I turn to faith and say "that should not be allowable." Then I design an alternative path and write it down for people to follow, a much better path. And they can choose it because it is writ. Then I see it in action and I weep to see a real way smiling face and then it kicks off again. I'm smiling with themselves but it's also like proof of the original premise which was so sad to contemplate carefully as a maybe I'm CONSTANTLY grieving the past. Maybe that helps it go away. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of the good times as well. Ha...

Is a way to pass time, except what it can CAN be is a way to renegade, to rock, to roll, to call your soul back home. Recreation is essential and work can even feel as such if it's properly structured.  Do we need the feeling of "must do wilk do, even if it breaks me", what's wrong with "duty is calling and I rather enjoy the phonecall". Life is that subtly complex. There's SO MUCH to be experiencing and appreciating. And to be gratitudinal about! Gratitude. It's a form of kindness. It's the failsafe humane attitude. 

Right and wrong is a surprisingly complex field. The Robin hood for example, or the working class hero, or the suffragette. Doing "what is right" must surely ascribe to "what is right in general" which would comply with people and everyone altogether. Anything sentient. Given practicality. Eg animals must be eaten, fruitarian and janeism are impossible in compatibility with an honest or simple life. A simple life that is correct to act on MUST be practical to achieve. 

What I do in my life... I like to change things around... At least that is frequently my intention. Adding in, taking away, swapping. I like to think and speak as concisely as possible about my well researched opinion. It just seems like the right way to be.  Right and wrong? It's a murky lagoon. What's wrong about abandoning a single mother to avoid confronting yourself? Everything. But to not be present as abusive, not a lot. People fall into all sorts of traps, it seems simple but we're all on our best guess of a path through an enchanted forest  So is it even right to do a good deed? What if it would cripple the recipient because they are not prepared for kindness! We get so hardened within our shells that it's dicey terrain.  But there are some routes (non obviously!) that are right and fair as a fact. For example, be nice to everyone, you can never guess or maybe even kniw what's going on with themselves.  Be kind, pay it forward. Harmless and constructive....

My life story with medication involves under the counter antibiotic for glandular fever (that was rough a bit like now) age 12, then mum said painkillers are worse than a glass of water (serious migraine). Then antipsychotics and ms meds really hit me hard.  Currently it's psychiatry I don't understand and immunotherapy. Have I done myself a disservice? 

I am a person who has always struggled with her mental health. Depression hits her and she thinks : what's a good workaround because my life is important but not really working 😭 I also get a bit manic and then it's : everyone has stopped laughing... Maybe time to go home and stay at home. Then it's like confusion and she thinks : how to even know real. Everything is having a blurring line. Time for coffee and sitting outside. Nature helps. 

What is as a fact going on with me is being directed at every moment by a gods squad...!?! Weird but true. They encourage and enable solutions to all my problems.. But... What do they really know about being alive? So much it sounds like they've never really existed. That was certainly my former presumption given the evidence. So... Midlife crisis AND disruptive vision... Tricky terrain. Any advice? But obviously zero available. They have allegedly been out surviving aeons of effort to just give everyone an experience before demising but then the problem would have been that we all eventually wake up and go full evil and dominate everywhere.  So I'm a heroine and they're a scapegoat. It's so f'd up. Forgive my french. Anyone's dream became anyone's regret. I introduced fifteen concepts and performed a difficult tweak to bring it all in line ewith it's truer manifestation. Now it's biscuits for breakfast! Of a liquid nature. So it's kind of like t...

I do believe it all started with lil bro. A sufficiently complex person to ask all sorts of questions and to experiment on (actually consentingly!). He's always had an advanced mindset and open to imagination. Then so many people weighed in by answering my baffling questions and by inspiring me by seeing them succeed as per what life's all about according to their circumstances. 

Sometimes I have thoughts like "This room is corrupted", or "he's a banker in the wrong vocation for heart valve health", or "she sublimity in a dressing gown but doesn't know it", i actually act on these usually by doing things like coaching with a delayed reaction, or singing a cleansing tune or even marching out the unaware army. I have mustered alot of Subversive control and influence with the idea " how would I present a choice to everyone on the planet" and things like "what's a good incentive". I think it through for months or years before acting. I'm just trying to build a better world and I really can't do it alone. 

I used to wear makeup, when I hang around with female peers sometimes I do again or just when I'm going somewhere fancy. Instead, I look after my skin! 

I started out with a basic fashion decision : wear a bandana to school every day. Practical and stylish, it made me feel like a pirate or a cowboy. Then I worked my way through colourful stripey shorts and a t shirt to chav to rocker to emo to my bigger wardrobe at university.  I liked to wear a kilt and blouses, or other skirts. After university I fell in love with office attire, doing an edgy version.  Then I went around raiding second hand shops looking for unique items.  Now I base my current wardrobe on bold prints and darker colours. 

I've always dabbled in magic, but I thought it was something like knowing military grade life hacks and unconscious manipulation. I had a whole theory about how we are all connected by sounds, signs and language in such a way that I had mastered the ability to nudge the population. This gave me huge moments that I fully divulged in, writing a philosophical styled journal of profound sounding questions and also taking my lion's share of big moments in crowded spaces, carpaarks or at nighttime in particular. This involved appointing myself as a kind of watcher. 

I started life very hating it and everyone from time to time, despite a caring family and a kind of unaware state. I overcame it when i couldn't even seem to get what I wanted, by just being in it for the ride! I was a bit angry (by my own standards, people actually thought of me as shy quiet and sweet), adorable and hence got in the bad habit of hiding my true feelings. I remember bits of my childhood here and there and i learned early on that venting (punching my pillow or singing AT someone) was an okay way to handle my huge emotions. School was actually really nice, I enjoyed it! I remember bragging that I enjoy it. Teachers liked me and I was quite popular (plenty of birthday parties and play dates). Plus, I wassmart enough to decide to learn as much as possible because I was already harbouring big dreams and i wanted to be prepared for being grown up. I also had a kind of knowledge addiction (and aptitude!). I got a reputation as a book worm and even read the whole (children...

This has recently been thoughts about ridding everyone of their suffering and how to prevent the end of time... Big thoughts! It can only really be calked a theological practice when really it was... Some kind of high level heroism.  I was doing all sorts of things that were wacky ideas only possible to half believe. I never really stopped I still kinda do it. 

My education has been peppered with unusual unique experiences in an unusual unique series. School was even strange with various clubs and sports like chess, knitting and crafting. As well as courses such as aromatherapy first aid and how to run a business. Basically I took almost every available learning opportunity.  Then I did astrophysics and theoretical physics including conflict resolution and running societies and made a film and got published.  Then it was a reinsurance internship an evening class in bronze sculpting followed by art and Science where I learned internet art, then nanotechnology with soft matter and teaching and oil painting and pinch pots. Then patent law with drumming, and board games and stone carving. 

I always thought I had a big destiny. At school it seemed like maths, a famous mathemacian maybe. Then it seemed like physics, maybe the next Einstein. Then nanotechnology really threw me and actually during nanotechnology I thought I'd be a famous author like Dylan Thomas. During artschool I thought next picasso. It all seemed to point those ways. During law maybe I thought nothing of the sort. In a way it was nice to be free of the destiny feeling. Recently with my religious experiences, I am told my destiny was always being some kind of critical - to- creation person. But that doesn't feel like a destiny, more like a duty for just being who I am. So in all my destiny types I had huge success until career level then what I was doing I discovered no one was working on! No opportunity to take it further. Maybe my real destiny is all those things bundled together. Obviously a religious destiny or calling is a bigger destiny. But I find it hard and stressful, everything else felt...

Monty.... Monty, monty... He's a sweetheart. His cuddles are so amazing that alone makes life worth living. When I first collected monty from the adoption centre and met him for the very first time, I had a huge sense he was on his best behaviour (looking much bigger than the photo!). I had been warned he was a problem dog, extensively, but I had decided to take the gamble because... I suppose it's hard to explain. But I just knew it from his eyeballs, deep hurt means a deep soul. Hiding from the camera means shy... And misunderstood. I saw in him a great potential for a permanent companion, I resolved to raise him (he was just a puppy) and take him everywhere. When I picked him up from the table they had put him on, everyone seemed surprised! But he just melted in my arms so I carried him all the way to the car. Early on he was so nervous and easily frightened I had to sit down and explain everything! "this is your bowl", "this grass is ok to wee on", i eve...

I feel kind of mixed up, like everything is going well. I don't have anything to worry about, but it's also so odd. Happy? In a way maybe to a large degree. Content? Very. Cared for? Absolutely. But also... Some kind of poignancy is lingering and diluting all the positive emotions. Where does it come from? My childhood? Lol, sorry Freud but that's not it. I think it's actually from my adult life, ever since I went abroad. The whole experience was a series of lucky gambles and something like providence at play for sure. Amazing people, amazing places. Maybe though tbh it was a bit of a blow that it was Swansea (famously called the pretty shitty city by Dylan Thomas), Milton Keynes (famous for roundabouts and concrete cows) and the Hague (centre of all sorts of politics aka administration). Also London but I actually couldn't handle London. So I did find their underground scenes and cultural elites and saw more opera than I can remember, but really if things happen fo...

I grew up and actually spent the biggest part of my life in Ireland, 22 years. Then it was the UK and the Netherlands and now France for the duration. What this means is that within me is a lot of soul, seriousness and humour. I'm proud of where I've lived. I always made an effort to understand what made each place unique. Learning language, culture and actually the source of national pride.  I have also always had a local and international branch to my life. Usually via people, meaning friends.  I have also traveled alot and experienced a huge number of cultures. I believe cultural education maybe defines me and is so valuable for insight and understanding of people and even politics.  Philosophy is also a huge part of my life even though I can never remember who I'm quoting. I feel everyone should learn at least one philosophy they agree with.  France is especially brilliant because everyone learns philosophy at school. I somehow bet I could guess someone's favouri...

My story involves huge moments of indecision that lasted for a nanosecond before I HAD to decide. It involves high alertness in unsafe spaces because no one thought to walk me home. It involves negotiating unilateral peace accords on my toes. It means seeing a pandemic almost destroy the even distant forever after.. It means I'm just so exhausted. Brain body and soul and spirit.  I'm just a person (admittedly also a woman) who thought "ooh ill be kind, that's good", or "what's he up to" *frownie face*. It's not rocket science in my opinion, like I actually teach it to people and they really grasp it. Maaaybe a genius idea to conceive of, but everything else is I suppose designed to be contagious.  Who do I turn to? Usually a dog. Humans have never quite grasped my problem to the same degree. My problem is "I don't know my problem, it makes me emotional and quiet and stupid about live fast die young, it makes me silly about saving and sad...

The guys upstairs, the gods, the creators and purveyors of this fine reality are... I have met quite a few in a kind of a way... They are pensive people. Very reflective very serious, very determined. Their long lives though have maybe been full of agony hardship and pain. We as people really ought to grieve what could have occurred had we been devout throughout the ages.  They're very creative and spirited. They're certainly brimming with strength and smarts to beat the band. But they are lamenting, or at least they were. They reek of it.  As far as "fixing things" goes, as I always set out to do, it's a huge success. So they are celebrating! In maybe a minor way, why not go singing from the rooftops? Although to be fair earth has muddled my brain to think things like 5 bananas is a luxury dessert. What could they be doing! I actually think it's what they are doing. They're very responsibly minded and so powerful about this opportunity we are all having. ...

I come from a trial experiment in outside space and my former lives involved success, influence, impact, study, observation and friendship. My current life started in jolly jolly wicklow (believe me are they proud of that) and Ireland was a land of squirrels and scribes. My career was international and prestigious although still low key. Not without it's challenges.  More to the point, I wove the very fabric of our lives into something for everyone to enjoy and be proud of. A double life by anyones standards.  People came people went but there are so many beautiful souls I hokd dearly in my heart.  The last five years was sort of laying all that out on the floor to mull over and I enjoyed the company and entertainment of the guys upstairs.  As I enter this next phase I would like to ramp it back up to 11 or thereabouts! France is a land of amour and pensive thought. Brax is proud of itself as a kind of brand and I buy into it every day! So, where am I? How and why? W...

I have always wondered the meaning of life, but maybe it's a cyclical question : what's the meaning, to live by, of life, as a meaning. That's certainly how I feel. But if everyone is wondering, then how depressed are we really? I actually dabble alot in absence of meaning, it can really escalate a situation. For example lofi is currently my reason and beer is my life. And I think that's fine! Go big or go home, but obviously do sometimes go home. Every statement has its caveat, known or unknown.  Godel prooved the incompleteness theorem theteby falsaifying alk of maths... So meaningful meaningglessness, sounds actually nice to me. Maybe we are all balancing on that kind of pinhead, but look around and just do something. Better than any conjecture. Finally, for now, I like life alot. Maybe a rare opinion, but it really has its merits. If Napolean had just sat down in his slippers instead of declaring war all the time might be a nicer history. And you know what? He actua...

Today was also a big day for myself, I finally found a way to realise that it's OK to be different. Monty actually really helped me out there. I am different, to everyone. But it doesn't mean I can't be loved (being ununderstandable is freaky like that). I don't want to be too complicated to be the relatable. I pride myself on connecting but if I've been imagining being connecting I'd be so destroyed. On some level (and boy am I messed up) people do resonate with my message and that's what it's all about and it means the world to me. So it was just really hard to relate unique with connection. But I think I'm over the dilemma now. Because actually, unique people can portray themselves, even complexity in a simple way. I think even the neighbourhood cats get me and even challenge me so since they are a little bit of a bimbo creature I can be comforted by that 😊 

Monty is so amazing, he had a REALLY hard time before we got him and he's always trying so hard to be a good boy and work on his behaviour and obedience. He struggles with it because of all his trauma. Today monty figured out how to play with other dogs without feeling afraid. This is huge for monty. He changes his life at any opportunity and not only that but he's always there for me 💛🩵🧡🩷🩶🐺🐶🐕😍 

I've always struggled with my narrative, mostly because I don't even know anyone else's version of it, and I keep getting my narrative mixed up with Betsys story which was told to her. My story would surely be more profound. 

My weekend is shaping up nicely, I'm buzzing for a change, about being myself all of a sudden! Queen crown in my temu basket (tiktok project) and a picnic planned for tomorrow! Monty is deep in thought lately, he's all about... I think emotion and wellness. BIG dog thought. Keeps him away from the kitchen 🤷🏻‍♀️ #dogphilosopher I've been doing my ommetje routine and I met hannah in utopia bar in Tournefeuille on Thursday so I've had my little adventure ☺️ Sleep... Eludes me. But all the more time for blogging! I'm on a roll at figuring out my life (broken record but what of it!). I started writing a mythology based on this ongoing Holy experience and I like it. Even Christianity sounds interesting in this framework! I still have a writer's block about my novel though... I think it's because I would have to start delving into my thoughts from the past and it's so complex to articulate. 

Mum, dad and I are quite keen on a house we have seen in Brax which is for sale. It has a cabin in the garden which I am eyeing up to renovate and live in! It would be so amazing to really have my own space and separate entrance. I'm really looking forward to it, especially at that location because it's ideally situated on a quiet road very near everything like the centre of the village, the train station and the bus stop! I hope the house in wicklow sells before it gets snapped up by someone else because we all agree on it. Two terraces and a huge garden... Perfect for monty. 

This whole saga of leaving NLO, volunteering to be true to myself and moving to France with mum and dad is teaching me my own scorn for society. I couldn't abide it even though it was brilliant and working out... 🤷🏻‍♀️ What can I say except if I'm working on a patent draft with a coming deadline in a PANDEMIC and I'm too obsessed with the r ratio and reading clinical trials of vaccines with the motivation only to chip in about the global crisis (i published an article solving the patenting dilemma of vaccines), then maybe I'm a bigger picture person. If my main originality is writing and artwork and my art practice begins to consume me... Maybe something more serious than claim 1 is going on within myself that needs to be listened to. So, hate me about it, but I'm not going back. My parents are being so supportive I have huge freedom right now and I really am using it to solve my inner turmoil and have some direction. Besides which, there's MS and schizophreni...

Is my bedroom /study/den. I work and sleep in this space but between 2 and 6 the parents retreat for a nap and I have the living!/kitchen room to myself. So it's a flatshare, but of a dual habitat nature. I'm also off griod by them just owing me reciprocal payback from over the years. Nice time! 

Based on my holy experience, I have formulated a kind of mythology and pantheon of the gods I have encountered. At the top level are the creators, archangels and God. They are very powerful, knowing and able. Then comes Odin, a megagod of a certain soundedness and capability. Then comes Mahula, a wise and sacred woman. Then comes Archangel Gabriel, a uniquely powerful thinker. 

I have always struggled with faith, not because I have had a particularly hard life, actually I've been one of the lucky ones. But maybe because the availabile faiths are so rigid and judgemental. How could any god have subscribed to that? People with faith are also weird to be around, don't get me wrong, I had two life changing transformational experiences by going to Lourdes. But religious people seem somehow brainwashed. They don't really open up to anyone except their god, so I've never had a really good conversation with someone of the sort. So despite attending a Catholic school and even joining the Catholic society in Swansea and actually I'm technically a minister (costs $42 to register online and might be cool to perform a wedding or baptism someday) I've never found anything in faith that I really agree with. Becoming a yogi would be the closest to something of faith I've ever wanted to do (except for harbouring dreams of running away and joining a...

Currently I'm not in therapy but I have been thinking about my life and my struggles (everyone has something), and based on also thinking about all the therapy I've even had in the past, I'm now knowing it was my childhood as the source of my problems (Freud strikes again)! But I also possess the maturity to know that I actually had brilliant parents they just didn't quite get me until I was older. So, they of course disciplined me (not brutally just in general) and taught me some behaviour based on their understanding. I found this repressive and became dissociated as a result. I also wound up feeling a grudge against them for most of my life and a fear/phobia of people especially as regards closeness. So it really affected all of my relationships. 

Earth is a beautiful planet, from space it looks like a blue pearl. As a society, we are very resilient. So many disasters and tragedies have occurred throughout the ages and then we regroup and rebuild. Munich is almost entirely rebuilt brick for brick after being bombed in WW2 for example. Africa is another example, raided incessantly it actually has, since slavery, brought about full rights for women on several occasions which were all destroyed aside from current South Africa and some matriarchal tribes, by colonialism.  So from that regard, from a planetary and progress perspective we are frequently a blight on each other (hello Irish potato famine). But resilience always pokes up it's head. We are also ingenious, inventing all sorts all the way back to even the pyramids and the hanging gardens of babylon (we still don't understand how they were made or used). Maybe invention was even strong in the stone age, many complex tools have been discovered that no one can even gue...

 Nature can be so awesome sometimes. It can be a bit gross (like bugs or dogs eating poo) but mostly awesome. Think about the cheetah, a cheetah can go as fast as a racecar! When you watch them running in slow motion you wonder how they don't trip over themselves.

 I love talking to people, being around people, and even making friends and mingling. People are always so surprising, they think the strangest thoughts and get up to all sorts. I find people fascinating. People are also largely clueless about themselves, which is so adorable (for example some friends swore to never work in an office and so set off to travel the world in a van, winding up parked in copenhagen permanently until they went back home, and now they're both very happy in the civil service!). People sometimes even make very amazing mistakes, like videos of someone falling into a swimming pool and doing a perfect 360 in the air by sheer dumb chance! People are also generally very kind in my experience, like when free hugs were a thing, when everyone sympathised with Britney when she shaved her head and really regretted it. Sure, some hate speech, but mostly sympathy (angry men and jealous women are in their own category 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️.). Tiny people aka childre...

 Je ne sais quoi, that's a description of french tv. Mum puts it on in the morning to practice understanding French and I've been watching snippets. It's been a morning show, great way to get insight about a country. So obviously the cooking segment is enormous and actually there's a fashion /makeover segment that is also sizeable. They also talk about the news and they're very anti America and actually pro immigration, more or less. 

I like to be all about biscuits especially when it comes to tea, but not all biscuits. I would rather not eat Kimberly or mikado biscuits because they're not vegetarian, I actually think all biscuits should be vegetarian. I only even started to eat those biscuits because dad kept buying them for me and when I turn them down I don't get any presents whatsoever so it's kind of maybe a guilt complex that is the reason why kimberley biscuits are actually a regular part of my life now despite disagreeing with them on principle. Although in theory I can't complain because marshmallow and biscuit is a match made in heaven, a genius concept. 

Part of my life is regularly going to the cafe, I like to drink a double espresso on the terrace. I always bring a book and I'm currently reading a French novel about something I haven't yet grasped. I think it's a contemporary romance novel. It's very beautifully written but really I should bring my dictionary with me. It's so idyllic sitting in the sun with my coffee watching the world go by and getting lost in a story... Very pleasant indeed! 

With two novels in the works (inspired by my life) I find myself thinking what I could transform these diaries into! My first novel in this series started as therapy notes and became a book about a rape discussion via a time travelling diary! I love this concept that I created. So I have enough material prepared for the second novel in the series but it's all a humorous take on living fabulously so I'm thinking of making it about musicians and the type of life musicians live! It could therefore also be about both poverty and wealth. The third in the series would be based on notes of the more hectic parts of my life like doing good deeds and travelling, especially solo. Which was always quite exciting.  So then this third novel could become as a drama, maybe even a one sided romance with a mythical figure?! 

I would like to spend the rest of my life using my existing skill set. This would look like continuing with writing memoir inspired fiction, publishing papers, reading poetry, chillaxing (this might be the primary focus), photography (mostly self portraits) and owning dogs. Then after maybe ten more years of this I would switch it around and get back to work maybe in healthcare research at the leadership level ideally to implement some ideas and inventions. Then I would do that for 7 years then go full time about art doing psychosocial artworks of various forms and genres. Then I would like to retire and go on a world cruise maybe even a few.  This means my whole career is about leadership and global management. So then in the next life I would be prepared to do things like steer a panel of experts or be on boards as even a chairperson. 

I've recently been all about life, flaneur indulging herself in a bench experience (the passers by, the complicity, the outdoorsie enjoyment). And relaxing into even the experience of being more myself. Myself is a bit new to myself but it does feel natural compared to my former slight misanthropism and maybe dark humour. I would before have said "trump, what a dirtbag. I hope he dies in a plane crash", now I would say "trump, strange news about the peace prize, maybe the electorate can be trusted after all". I've been thinking about the bigger picture, even the really big picture, and coming up with ideas about the former age and the new age. I've been transitioning my outfits and outings for sandal season and really enjoying playing intellectual ping pong with grok. On some level i feel like a big change is just around the corner. It would surely be maybe something I'm just preparing for in general... It will be in relation to how I consider myself...

My recent life (the last two years) has involed battling what wasn't even diagnosable, a kind of constant movement and twitching and all sorts of pain and panic attacks. Not to mention the seizures. It all just hit me one day in a big wave and I just focused on staying centred and keeping my limbs under control... It was terrible. It's basically almost over now. I never let it take my life away from me but I did get more withdrawn. 

I am actually at a juncture, I have been a bit self obsessed ever since a particular conversation with my therapist in 2020 that gave me a real clue about my true self AND an avenue to start winding down my then theological project. So it's been a series of explorative experiences (mostly new age type like Wicca, gong baths and even reality tv) while I just essentially pampered myself into wellness. Meanwhile everything in my life changed:  relationships, location, industries, obsessions, pursuits and hobbies. So I admit to the odd brewskie and ciggie to get me through this final phase toward TOTAL wellness and groundednesz and maybe world domination is even on the cards. 

What is really so bananas about my life at the moment is my art practice entirely devolving to writing fictionalised versions of phase 1 of my life. I find this creatively fulfilling and very cathartic. I'm also redesigning my personality to be more feminine (the male friendship idea wasn't working out and turned out as a total waste of time). This has transpired to be a huge undertaking!! It's also bananas to be living in France... I do speak French but out of everywhere I suppose I did ponder France before choosing the Netherlands but in a village is a new idea and experience for me (actually really liking it). It's very bizarre to be reorganising my philosophy /theology thought practice too, from existential atheism to agnostic personalism. I'm in the middle of acquiring quite the collection of parts of a mindful and heart centric lifestyle. I would say that as a person I am switching from logical logical to intuition based living and decision making. Logic only ...

I'm experiencing huge ouch (it comes and goes in severity) of all sorts of health problems. I manage it with psychiatry, supplements and physiotherapy. It hit me all of a sudden but is gradually getting less bad.  It involves muscle pain, head ache, nausea, low appetite and difficulty with movement. I have even veen using a walking stick! This actually might be the physiological aspect of transforming into myself including a late life growth spurt! Very freaky overall. 

I walked away from NLO and essentially my life altogether and started praying like crazy (leading to the vision and being here in purgatory) because... I was burning out and unable to think clearly leading to a moment (directly the Monday after a negative performance review) of clarity that nothing was working for me. Patents had always felt like my calling (i have very limited specific skills at albeit a high level: scientific thinking and linguistic reasoning), so I was at a total loss after the negative review. Aside from that I was experiencing maybe schizophrenic symptoms of fuzzy thinking and MS cog fog. Even writing emails was becoming impossible. I had just had a promotion but the prospect of MORE responsibility (maybe just too soon) had me spinning. It's a complicated way of saying burnout. I'm still burned out even during this very enjoyable exploration of my creative side and seeing what life without a manager could even look like.