my faith

I have always struggled with faith, not because I have had a particularly hard life, actually I've been one of the lucky ones. But maybe because the availabile faiths are so rigid and judgemental. How could any god have subscribed to that? People with faith are also weird to be around, don't get me wrong, I had two life changing transformational experiences by going to Lourdes. But religious people seem somehow brainwashed. They don't really open up to anyone except their god, so I've never had a really good conversation with someone of the sort.

So despite attending a Catholic school and even joining the Catholic society in Swansea and actually I'm technically a minister (costs $42 to register online and might be cool to perform a wedding or baptism someday) I've never found anything in faith that I really agree with. Becoming a yogi would be the closest to something of faith I've ever wanted to do (except for harbouring dreams of running away and joining a convent like sister act if life gets too hard). I enjoy mass and i would never criticise anyone for their faith it's just something I've always struggled with.

At the same time, I've actually had a huge legendary type experience involving immersive audiovisual quests (a kind of vision) and even full blown conversations with archangels and gods, but it would be a bit like the contents of a final fantasy game rather than a religious experience. So I actually know God etc exists so I'm not an atheist, but my beliefs that inform my life and decisions are taken from bits and pieces of everything.

The deities I have personally encountered in the experience are communicating in an entertaining manner and seem like really genuine, grounded people. Sometimes I get the sense of some kind of huge massive opinion that I could never understand which is a big wow! They have also explained that religion is kind of a crowd control and a handbook... But also much more, which I still have difficulty grasping 😭