This is me...

I am driven spare by myself and my own reservations. They make no sense! Life is good 🤷🏻‍♀️☺️😀😎 Options are even available and I'm defining a new identity that I adore. I want to be proud of my decisions rather than obfuscated by them.  Sunday is unusually pleasant and low key. I'm even making more progress on my journey, so it's a home run. Oh, brain, just give me a breather! 

I really want to do this as an experience and see how I evolve as a result! 

I am actually not very able to be independent because of my chronic illnesses. I could go for a brief stay for a few days somewhere on my own but I couldn't really live alone. I really do have to rely on and trust my family. They're doing a brilliant job so far, I always have what I need and this disability benefits period of my life (they're grantes for three years) is a great opportunity to relax and allow myself to be looked after. 

. I am, to a certain degree, a chaos maker. But it's more like organised disorder! Everywhere I go winds up getting a bit more lively than it can really handle. This is because I have a very big and vibrant aura. People get energised around me and do all sorts of kooky ideas. I can't control the disorder /chaos but it's never exactly like really out of hand. It would just be like more adventurous clothes, gentrification ideas and maybe a certain kooky style intellectualisation owing to my beatnik focus. 

I am very focused on geometric type nfts when I'm thinking about being creative, but my guilty pleasure is the llama art idea such as flying tiger such as is my core concept. Maybe geometry is just easier to understand. The llama concept as a cool dude idea comes from a thought to defuse tensions with something as ridiculous as a llama wearing sunglasses or the like. When this becomes a wave of thought, books would feature animal characters and prayer moments in a kind of cosmic grace that represents the dance of the spheres. I wager it will explode into popularity and pervasiveness at any moment maybe even this year. 

I am suffering for my efforts and maybe have a kind of fever, but it's passing... I'm now definitely enjoying the surrealist atmosphere and haunting ambience. I feel like a ruin but full of Persian rugs so it's kind of an urban decay feeling. But I'm able to function and thriving in my little life here. All the joys abound. My main project is back up and running, and I have bright dreams even for the distant future.  I can't help but think (maybe because of an identity problem) what a strange life! Humans are funny creatures and creatures are funny people. That's definite.  I'm progressing every day and feeling inspired. 

Today is an even more brilliant day, I feel shiny new, ready for hurdles and able for challenge. However, it's more likely to be a relaxing Sunday aside from the ambitious blogging and journalling I have planned. Lofi is playing, my room is snug with predawn sleepy feeling, and pink is my new modus operandi, with a kind of new pink llama drawing jumper.  I am prepared for a slightly less hot day and maybe a romantic adventure (waving at himself on the boulodrome, you got to start somewhere!). I haven't been doing much writing this week because I've been focusing on the blog, so I might delve into more autoethnography until I am able to reach beyond my writers block. The village is very nice on a Sunday, the vegetables in the market get browsed and bought, the bikets are out in full force and around 5pm the villagers fill the lanes for a promenade and I see plenty of familiar faces. 

I am very adventurous and fond of what I could only describe as a cartoon logic life. I come up with my ideas by brainstorming or free writing or a flash of inspiration. My new taste in fashion is going to be emerging and it's kind of a cartoon eclectic, bright colours and little bits of text. My hair is also going to be changing... To something brand new! Blue black shoulder length, no fringe! I'm also going to get new glasses, thick coloured frames. One day soon I will also get a nose piercing and a few new tattoos! A coloured nose ring, and tattoos are tbd but also colourful! 

I am feeling excited for life! Dad's surprise birthday weekend is next thing on the calendar ☺️ it's going to be a blissful hot summer retreat with a swimming pool. We always have time as a family so I look forward to all the good chats and hearing about everyone's success (love seeing my guys thrive). Plus, I have a brand new swimsuit I haven't even worn yet! 

He's a classy Tolstoy type, appreciative of manual labour and mingling with the proletariat despite being of a gentleman's Persuasion. 

I am so happy being as currently looked after 😊 my future is looking brilliant. I am so excited for more summer road trips with hannah and to be exploring more of the area (it's so beautiful and I really hope to go to the meditaranean). I'm unwinding ever so much and really beginning to not only appreciate myself but realising how hard I was being on myself. It's very nice when the life lesson sounds like "take it easy and try to feel worth a million dollars, because you deserve it". 😁🤗☺️😊🙂😀 I'm really liking brax, it's such a beautiful village to live in. I really want to stay here long term 🏠🏖️🏝️⛲🌞⛱️🌈🩵💜💙💚💛🧡🤍💭😄😁😊☺️🙂😀 The people are so friendly and it's a really vibrant community too. 

I'm being treated to this luxurious sejourn between jobs for my burnout recovery. Mum and dad insist I enjoy myself here in france with them and it's been quite the adventure and remains so. As they've been semi retired for a few years they know a thing or two about relaxing full time, which I have gladly been learning.  I feel valued as the career daughter, being invited to a more natural life via south of france burnout recovery, they have certainly prevented permanent burnout to just a gradual 7 year recovery, two years remaining. Then I'll be back on the horse achieving my career dreams. They've been so amazingly supportive. 

I laughed She sang a little song I said a fact She pointed out I was wrong  I begged for correction  Instead, she smiled Meanwhile it's everything and anything  At the braxeen erstwhile. 

My life Is a turnstile  People come and people go I watch them passing by.  -Enter ger. What are you all about? He said. I am about freedom, like you can't imagine. I said.  Who are we? They said. The voices coming from the other realm. I said.  -I picked some food out of my teeth and ate it. Where are we taking you? They said. To beyond, I hope. I said.  Okay then. They said.  -I blew my nose and cried. What's wrong? He said. I don't remember. I cried.  -but he was too far away. I was alone. You are not alone. They saiod.  Because of the dog? I said. Because of ourselves. They said.  -then I knew the fight for freedom was over. I had won. 

My dog enters stage left, tennis ball in mouth. I throw it for him and he recedes. My forever partner laughs giganticalky from across the square and the sound spills through the window.  I contort, in a pain relief.  The ever present song is singing.  I sigh and style my hair.  I am complete. 

My day is actually a brilliant day, new clothes, new hobby, great man candy... Monty is on form and it's blissfully quiet here in the village. I'm having eurekas about myself and almost ready for the next phase of life. Akso... Good news, my benefits got approved for three years! So I have bought myself real healing time to dedicate to mastery of my illnesses. I met up with hannah toi, always brightens my week 😊 Furthermore, my new journal arrived, I love writing about life in something of beauty.  It's been a crazy heatwave but it's finally cooling down... So here's to the summer breeze 🍸🍹🥂🍷🍻🧉🧋 

I know how to function as a nondescriptor. I know how to react honestly to a tailored briefing but it must be non threatening. Trying to adopt a holy mindset gets superseded by the current earth conception of urban casual. The conclusion of the mini missions vignette is that the higher beings (existence and presence proven) are at the least sampling help and advice even metaphorically. My friendship with hannah is a vignette of loving respect and devotion between two women being facilitated by the braxeen bar, we come from different worlds and stories but we're just right for each other. 

The powerful beings (aka divinities) that I speak to, send me on mini missions. For example, solving an incapacity problem the ancients in heaven are experiencing, an abusive epidemic of a hell variety, earth's wars, and evil itself. Knowing it to be a reason for question in story form I cannot know what it is about exams that but I give my answer.  This means they wanted a story answer to a story scenario, from myself.  Either it's a standard sphinx-like riddle as a test or a genuine curiosity or about my answer. Either way I have been selected for the narrative conversation. 

I see him a plenty, for fun, for cuddles for meaning. But especially he's a clue about himself (he's doesn't like to worry me about him and his emotions) in the morning when the home awakens. He stands beside me for a scratch and herds everyone to breakfast position. He's reliable in all sorts of ways. He interrupts conversation before it gets too heavy and only asks for kitchen scraps in return.  What this means is a highly intelligent dog being of loyal service even when it isn't seen or apreciated. He's so obedient to his training and also makes a real effort as a guard dog. Making everyone feel secure.  This means a high emotional intelligence and capability.  That it's me he chooses to be obedient to means capable of seeing and understanding something quite urgent, and reacting.  The mind of a dog is a funny thing but it can be a magical experience to understand. 

She breezes in, starving herself of joy for a modicum of safety. Then she breezes away. The dog barks at the full moon because it's the only thing that makes any sense. I, me, see him, as, himself. In the bar, on the sports field just outside. And I think : as ever before in every life? He, him, sees her walk by and secretly smiles, to lure her in, like catching a wild cat. 

Stewed hazelnuts (in oil and vegetable broth) served with boiled potatoes with rosemary and lashings of sea salt and black pepper, and a side of fried pomegranate in olive oil with parmesan shavings.

All I need now is a pair of dungarees I have ordered, to complete the journey of self understanding and defining. They're arriving in the mail in two weeks time!! 

Loading up on tasty protein, sticking to comforts (eg curry, mas, pasta or pamcakes), contrasting flavours, bitter and sweet together, plenty of umami and avoiding traditional style cooking for a revolutionary flavour that will ignite your gut bacteria and immune system. 

Chickpea flour pancake with brie and spinach dressed with a mustard/soy sauce /honey drizzle and butter marinated fried tofu

I walked across the car park on the other side of the bar and saw ger in the smoking area. I kind of watched him until he noticed then we locked eyes in a way that seemed to mean "we are getting together no matter what". I was with dad going for pizza and he was out with the regulars. Maybe our lives are so separate it's hard to find a crossing point.  He was ignoring everyone around him then as was I.  What this means is that two worlds actually need to collide for an introduction to occur. And my family might not approve. Dad had even recently voiced disdain for ger in particular after seeing him playing petanq.  Owing to this circumstance, we are in a romcom narrative.  Furthermore this all means life happens within strict limits.  Sociologically we are from different backgrounds, interests and income limits.  So we need a disaster or a national news excuse to interact.  Society is so flawed this way. 

I walked past le local when they were serving lunch and said "bonjour" to the owner. He met it coldly with a kind of grumpy rebuttal. Is he persuading me to not enter based on my casual outfit that intimates going walking (as I often do) or is he expressing disdain about me ever going there? Perhaps my frequent lunchtime coffee jars the semi formal lunch crowd vibe and he resents my custom. He is only ever enthusiastic at random moments (when even I feel more comfortable being there according to the clientele. This can be surmised either as a confounding variable I have not yet noticed or an eagerness not to pressure me and the like, into being a more genuine regular. For instance it caters to the expat community and they can be quite judgemental.  I usually sense recognition of my fashion and gender intention from him and I never feel unwelcome once I'm inside.  So he could be a silent complicit supporter of my androgyny ideas. 

See  here for background and definition. This vignette concerns my androgyny of yesterday, coupked with a long wait time to get served at the cafe, owing to rush hour but males arriving at the counter after me being served first. This indicates a perception of only a diminutive presence but also a certain "oh she won't mind waiting" inferiority condition of androgynous females. I only eventually got served by asking, even silently by getting noticed by being strange and playing the card of "well liked regular". This indicates that in a male dominated environment, things are still not equal on the gender spectrum.  When I go in wearing a typical and feminine outfit I do get noticed, albeit often hit on un wantedly as a negative addition.  This simple vignette shows that women must be feminine to warrant inclusion despite so many already waves of feminism and empowerment.  My androgyny is a quiet revolution which I intend to continue. 

 I only ever sought to help, in general, with the problems I was perceiving of. So I laid my banner on the ground and everywhere went silent. Then i hoisted it up on my spear and everyone dropped their weapons.  Then I waved it in the wind and everyone got moving building our future for ourselves.  It's a sunshine power that banished even bleakness and it's a message of eternal hope about the real self. The self that was never known and mostly dying.  The army were words winging their ways around minds and hearts. Everyone felt so moved the insisted on a good conquering.  So now the flag flies high over our cocoon states, ridding ourselves of old age detrimental ideas and gradually being inducted to the design for the new age. I have taken as much into account as I was ever able.  It's a popular plan. 

 when I plague the people with a dream this is what it feels like. Spilling out beatnik poetry and dance ideas where blood should be. 

An altruistic philanthropist, an artistic benefactor and a beatnik poet. 

 I am quite ethereal sometimes, I get all dreamy about spirituality and think thoughts like "what's as the basis of ourselves" or "what can society in an awoken age really achieve"... New ageism is sooo spacey like that. 

Being can have a theme, being can be built from nothing, being can feel like home. Being, and choosing what influences us in becoming, is an art not a science! Things like "I'd love to be a surfer" are often coupled with "but surfers are such wasters" is a common road block in social perception. When we allow our lives to shape us by choosing activities and actions that appeal to us, we have to give in to reality. Maybe our "dream self" is ideally on the path of desired action. This would mean an aligned system. When the system is unaligned it's possible to carve out an identity from fragments of what's available.  So it's an art form! Good luck! Accept yourself no matter what occurs. 

Mashed potato and sweetcorn mulch, served with smoked mackerel. 

Pasta (especially mini macaroni) with cranberries, cashew butter and green pesto!? Throw in some diced veggie ham and it a delish dish! 

 I have learnt, from people, that they really pour themselves into a project, any project.. Perfect dad, best minister, friendly postman. I hate it when they can't find a way to succeed (it used to be geared up against such projects) so then they try again and again, until they're dead inside. When they have so much to give! It used to be considered immature to be enthusiastic (breaking was an inevitable part of adulthood) but I think it can actually be repeatably achieved! With success comes extra zeal! 

 my principles are actually quite elaborate, so I do eat meat despite being smart enough to know vegan makes more sense, out of pragmatism. And kind of i always focus on the veg. But once I understood an animal expects to be eaten, it's not so terrible. And food culture involves being grounded in earth, mud and death to the degree of being okay having a fish head gaping sadly at you from your plate. I still can't bring myself to cook meat or do any butchering so I'm either not quite at rugged rough and tough or ill always be squeamish as a kind of animal person. Then again, monty eats it. Other principles would be kind of... Without direct evidence, one caan assume any faith is valid. So they should all be respected.  As far as politics goes, voting for the family party is worse than not voting. Don't make your grandfather proud by conforming but use your own brain.  As for people, choose who you surround yourself with wisely. They'll impact you and your lif...

 my hardcore self is a bit like this photo, can take any hit, ready for action and knows a thing or two about grief and pain. It's a kind of punk/goth concept with a dollop of barbie. This leads to a resilient attitude and a happy outlook despite almost zero real joy, of a normal manner, as I have experienced from time to time.  Then to get back on the horse it's just "blast those tunes, smome yourself stupid and drink the pain away". 

 I am innerly strong, kike cement. I must have a cement skeleton. Nothing has ever really broken me or prevented me from living my life because of my can-do attitude. Nothing really stops me either, it's always been dream after dream. Growth upon growth, even in winter months. 

 I live among cocepts, fairy tales and vestiges of dreaminess or nostalgia. In the present moment I am noticing a blooming flower or a dogs smug face. Even grass or weeds, growing where nought dares to grow. Seeing cars and knowing they're all shined up nicely with satnav and air-conditioning. All sorts of colours. And nothing beats a rainbow! 

 it really just relates to everything from time to time, but it gets easily explained... " i didn't think there were any muffins left, i thought they'd all be eaten by now because no one knew I was visiting". Resulting in... All the muffins. Some kind of kawaii karma is at play! 

 the bunny idea as a kind of concept I use about myself, is a great way to get people to open up and be Subversive. Even about my social life. Eg i hear there's opera in town! But it might be one of those famous ones, it's the national quartet, might be a bit noisy, what do you think? Perfect Subversive idea grenade, resulting in a 3 month opera and restaurant binge, partially for free! 

 as a cute person, I have to admit I use it to be disarming... It's How I get people to do the impossible. A little bit of sounky punky bunny style speeching and everyone comes with me away with the faeries... I like to call it mignon or kawaii, it's deceptive because it's actually a form of social power and control. It has quite a heft to itself. 

 I actually frequently not only resort to but even opt for miming my meaning in a conversation. This is because what I want to say is so complex and miming is very immediate. So do mime back! 

 a mere nave, a mere ilya. That was my name, now I'm a fraud. But not for much longer... I feel, under everything and all truths aside, (maybe wrongly) that I'm just a person. I care and I try, maybe that's all anyone can do. I like my creature comforts and I like my modest life, I like reading poetry and writing novels. I like scratching Monty's belly and hanging out with hannah and going to the market.  I like the visions and I actually like everything, from Beyonce to rammsteinn. I like cake but I also like loempje. I must be using some kind of "sauce"! What was I made to do? Or is really like that for anyone? More like... What TO do, ever since I've been lucky enough to be alive! 

 rose tinted goggles... They say... And see... Happy ever after 😊☺️ Rose vision doesn't seem unrealistic. To have everyone be very fine and dandy and the future to be bright and promising. That's any flowers dream. I wrote a beginning of a book about a pink carnation and I must get back to it. I used to not like pink as a colour but actually I secretly liked it, so now I don't mind wearing pink. It actually is a powerful colour kind of like the energy of femininity (which even men possess). 

Cream, roasted asparagus and blackberries. Fruit features in a lot of my savoury recipes because as a whole food it brings in fibre and a touch of sweet in this case sharp flavour. Vegetables are the base of the meal. 

 my soul, is maybe even altered by my previous struggle... But now it's got a beautiful warp going on. This manifests as... Dramatic theatrics 😉 lol jk just a bit more confidence. I'm the same jigsaw but now it's an abstract pixel art out of the same pieces! It's not painful any longer and I can withstand even the thought of eternity. Basically I escaped a blackhole but the effect is not a bad effect because I danced free.  So I'm just stronger than before and more canny. Less gullible, more careful and carefree at the same time.  But I think I'm still evolving!