This is me...

 it used  to be filled with paperwork, colleagues, office life and international travel. Now it's pared down to the basics but of a more enjoyable and less stressful sort. i used to aore my future but i always knew there was some unspeakable hurdle to get there and actually i didnt make the jump so that future is gone away.

 may hold surprises for which i am not prepared. It might pose challenges bigger than anything i've dreamed of before. But I think I will focus on becoming okay and staying ok.

a nice idea im having to create some really memorable moments. i love being at the Braxeen chatting, it always memoraable. Le local for a drink is also always memorable. A dog walk typically blurs into routitne but a big dog moment from Monty like when he's extra is always memorable.

 now that therapy thoughts are all having happened (it was a bit dark there for a while, id just like to admit how much i love and adore my family :)

 nice glass of wine, rosary beads, few prayers. chilling out with my faith for company.

 going out for ommetjes (short health walks https://www.hersenstichting.nl/ommetje/) and practising formulating book ideas by thinking about introductory sections. Which and what willl wind up completed is yet to be known. My life was so rapid and intense I'm sorting through all my ideas with the help of prayer.

 Despite my trauma I actually know that none of it was inflicted on purpose, it wasn't through carelessness either. Actually through acting on a misperception. So I have come to terms with all my trauma and still consider rapists or abusers amongst my friends. This is forgivenesss and heart health <3

 is actually existing! For example I really do believe that the universe has my back, good karma is coming my way and I'm even having some very successful prayer.

 monty is still being looked after by his grandma but i go on the walks and we cuddle together at home and play tennis ball. I'm too preoccupied to care for him myself (feeding, grooming, vet appointments). The point being, Monty is having a great time! He brings home a new stick almost very day! Myself: my soul searchcing journey is going well and I am finally starting to even like myself. It's kind of like befriending myself gradually and carefully.

 would be to improve standards of living or happiness indices etc

 A faezil would be a leader who acts anonymously except to admit it on request in the direction of the greater good.

 A quambo would be a subversively acting leader of a population acting on poll results and public opinion, over their own decision.

 now she cries on the bus and i dont know why before i was giving her therapy for bereavement and corporate bullying soon she will be out of mymind i have spent the first part of my life with my mother as my thought experiment but it turns out i never knew her

 how do we find joy and bring it into our lives? is it be a) laughing or b) a person. It could even be a gift or a dog or a cat. Never mind ar abbit. the hypothesis is that a life withb joy in it perseveres as a joyful memory beyond the commonstance circumstancce. a joyful life is replete with idyllic moments.

 i always had an emmptiness in me growing so i filled it with special thoughts and creativity. now i feel full of lifeliness and joyzoid. i am a walking talking tamborine.

 sees me one way that i am not being. therefore she is my fina enemy. who wants to try and correct her? im not sure i can d o it alone

 i have never really FELT loved, it always seemed evident about my ssurroundings to be surmising about but i never and kind of still dont really FEEL it

 I'm basically approaching middle age and I have to admit to myself that I am not okay with doing a conventional life path. I will most likely never marry or have children. Even Monty really cramps my style so I choose freedom.

 we have experienced already the golden age of netflix and now i think we might be entering the golden age of film

 Being anon is something I enjoy like doing an anon good deed and takking no cedit. It's kind of like a holy pursuit to act anonymously because it's the height of humble, it's typically acting for a cause and it's a great way to let a deed be devoid of the person which always adds a layer of bias. What if Banksy is a black woman? She'd never be famour if people knew.

 I actually voted FOR Brexit beccause a) the EU don't take themselves seriously as a super power potential that the world needs b) the UK as a Switzerland type state would actually be to it's benefit including attracting forporate interests c) the goernment was stupid enough to even ask (I suspect the UK will rejoin under negotiated terms) so then they should even expect a rebellion.

 I actually think Trump is  fineprime minister. Look at hwat he's done with his connections and ability to negotiate. Despite being a tried and true liberal, they werre about to legalise sex changes for twelve year olds! And actually abortions should be replaced with pulling a Juno. It's just being pregnant what's the big deal. If yoou don't use contraceptive that what's you deserve. Further, Trump using tariffs and offering to buy Greenland is the inventin of peaceful governing, he did not invaaade anywhere new and reallly cliks with Putin who /IS a superpower that the West is in denial about. I believe there is alot of pressure and propoganda to be totalitarian as a liberal but we acctually need things  like religion to judge a situation too complex to grasp.

 does the ego deserve growth beyond a healthy funtional level? For example  one can acknowledge a compliment as accurate at a certain stage of growth to avoid ego swelling leading to a certain blindness of a power trip.

 the way to a happy heart is not just through your stomach but your eyes and ears, whatever is going on, see or hear something beautiful like a friend smiling on a regullar basis as part of a healthy diet. if as a bonus they are smiing because of yourself, that's a healthy gut too, prime for gut instincts.

 Stands against pursuit of celebrity and fame because they are flawed. The loudest person wins. Impact should be sought and televised

 being better than before on your becoming journey and then resting in a safe happy placce of your own creation.

 i try to be honest even if it's roundabout because it is the best policy AND to do sso while being sensitive to someone's emotions is the goal.

 involves inspecting a topic before engaging with it for level of moral decay to be raising and things like engagement factor to either be increasing or decreasing. Forexample men's rights is a foolish empty movement, they already have rights.

 this involves critiquing based on fair and equal representation of perspectives in films and looking at the chracters through their psychological profiles to notice what the falsity of cinema has in a real way created.

 how many times do we feel in life before we lose our strength to pick ourselves back up? Then we need someone besides ourselves to pick us back up.

 is that colour expresses emotion or cultural relationship to a concept so then even form can have varied interpretation so subjectivity is the fact about art but knowing the artist's intention can reveal their intended emssage although personally I believe that true timeless artwork shold speak for itself and be open to mulitple interpretations. that's how i operate.

i can stand them for three months tops. its gone so beyond that im vomiting in my own mouth when they speak. i play into their image of a cutsie daughter because they never listen to my real opinoins and it means i get free favourte snacks and the inner child sedation. 

 i used to think family is just random by the coinkydink of conception so then water is thcker thann blood outside of the societal law of family responsibility. but what would it mean if family is part of a divine plan? shoud we leaarn about our family members to hence learn about ourselves?

 love, true love, is not that rare if you are living a life that manifests your true self. Choose one such encounter at an appropriate life moment for settling down and hey presto. marriage on the other hand is a waste of time except to confer legal rights which sholdreally just happen in a registry office. its a waste of time and money and really just part of socialetal competition that results in a one upping contest that brings about feelings of inadequacy. why not have a "serious together" party on a more casual level?

 i typically think that the more diverse a community is the better educated and more advanced it becomes. but sadly owing to crises (which the West SHOULD be solving in situ) we have been so flooded with migraants that European cultures are drowing and dying. this is an unidentified emergency because i really believe traditional culture is intrinsic to the soul of a nation. tir gan culture tir gan ainm,

 politicians make manifestos and never act on them so their trust score is typicaly low, hence i would vote based on past performance of a party related to current social problems. not quite a fairweather voter but i actually was pro farage because immigration wwas out of control and then i went tory because they had an idea about brexit and the deficit, then im back to labour (uk politis here) as the most reliable party in a stable economy.

 they come, they go, they stay they snow, i like the snow. some are baffling beyond measure but very satisfying andsome are contemptible from a certain angle but then i would keep it for a certain advaantage. i am prone to make a ffriend for a season just to do a brain drain since y education was pitiful. friends or a season,, friends for a reason, friends for life, i deeply believe in that. life is a fluid sort of cosmos to be sailing through when you have a high ambition as your end goal.

 if you're trapped and an escape plan takes a decade, in  bad job, bad relationship, toxic family, find a way to laugh about it and it will subtely gradually release you.

 lizistic values include things like friendship, loyalty based on judgement, integrity based on alignment with yourself, principles we all can choose from to be applying and a hard work hard play attitude.

 soiety is a construct itself and most expectations and shoulds that we all experience are just a product of an artificially built world. choose what to respond toor to forge an entirely unique path. basica,lly the only rule that really applies is that you can magnetisee yourself to attract the right people and you need the right life or work experience to get the dream job.

 holding onto the right thoughts reinforces them and trains our thinking. letting go of negative thoughts when they occur brings about a positive can-do attitude. build your ife according to the template of family friend and partner time divided in a way that is to your liking.

 is all founded on fairness and parity and transparency but also privaccy and due consideration of the other.

 would i would say not be achieved until schoolis completed age 18. ie no sexuale relations, no voting AND no driving until 18.

 holy father, forgive me if i have sinned and not been aware. allow me with all my strength to help others yet not forget about myself. friends far and near are to be blessed for existing in my cosy world. forgive my insolence nihliation and solitude but i have been enjoying the vices of life. i have maybe erred in my unique and self made judgements but i did try and alot of peopl ecannot say the same.

 to despair is vagrant, to live is true, to feel alive, by enabling yourself to experience realness and enabling others to experience any true positive emotion.

 gender is a thorney topic, i believe both genders are present in everyone to varying degrees and you have to accept it about yourself.but ergo amannish woman doesn't ned a sexx change just courdorouy trousers.

 if someone in your life is trying to connect and failing, you can't help but love them for the effort.But if they're causing an accidental sabotage, you ultimately have to cut them loose. see it as an effort and a gift is all about the effort but remember that what you need for you is the effect so the effort can be washing away in the springtide rain,

 do what you can and then stop trying if it's agenuine dead end.

 its all lost even the gods cant help me.im a desparate case but if everyone would just please give up i could live a desparate kind of a life.

 nothing IS really worth doing because ive either done it before or im in a kidnap hostage situation where none of my friends are willing to pay the emotional tax thatis being demanded. why is no one reaching out whatsoevver. i cannot tug this sped for much longer and monty has become so agressive becaus eof all the lies my mother told him about me. he might even be psyhotic.

 everyone has to do their own life admin now. im done. im doing my own admin, namely, meds, pharmacy, nurse, doctor, and desparately searching for a non suicide thought on a fresh air walk.

 when i see the moon, i smile. i wish i could live there. all alone. just to be myself. except i would miss monty. ive always connected more to dogs than people.

 i have always been searching for meaning and to be understood. because my family led me to believe im an idiot i always lacked any contexxtual awareness, and because the personality disorder put my face in a sneer, i never even saw my own face. so ive been winging, sitting at train stops, resisting the pwoerful urge to suicide when a high speed train goes by beause... we only get one life, or so they say. and parts ARE worth living for. however now that i have the concept of the afterlife im on suicide watch. it would be so nice to die and remake myself and be free of all these misconceptions ad jsut leave earth behind.

 gravity is a useful tool in overcoming fear, put that foot in front of the other on repeat and you will get where you are aiming for.

 to deal with a trauma or issue completely, you must first address its effects, then its manifestation, the the energy blockage, then the person or people, then the dynamic and if relevant take it to the proper channels such as suiing someone is a fine  idea.

 im planning to build the World of Zed starting with  zoga (my version of yoga  0 and zoaching 9my version of coaching. The both begin with the breath. Capturing pure breath for yourself and using it tocleanse away all your troubles and arrive at clarity about your life would be the corner stone, there are all sorts of aspects of a person in the model i use that interplay nicely such that it would not be ohm but wow. Breath in wow, breath out wow, wow yourself with yourself and build a beautiful wow life to live in.

 when things are hard to graasp or expperience focus on finding a solution or adapting to the circumstance.

 why did you frighten all my friends away and even take my dog away from me? why are you so intent on ruiining my life by giving everyone false information? why don't you listen or ever even ask me a question about my life? why are you so cruel?

 life is a lollipopparade, whatever you happen to come across you better grab it. Life is a journey and you get to choose your paths sso don't let other people decide and define you. Define yourself and give yourself treatsand quality time with yourself. You are your biggest asset so investin yourself andd look after yourself.

 seeking the greatness in tiny minutae is a gerat way to hyper appreciate and have joys no one else ccan fathom. The the really big moments blow your socks off.

 looking at a situation from the askance direction to glean a new insight, a methodology of observation of anyone or anything.

  My perspective   Surrounded by loving care and a warm welcome and even new friendship, what do I have really to complain about? That’s what matters!

  My life right now   New friends reconnecting disconnecting unwinding getting to know myself better… sweet to be 35

 I have turned a corner and have zero quibble with mum now and am going to start looking on the brighter side of life

 Currently involves a lot of angels singing prayer!

  Lizism   The belief in a higher power is factual given the complexities of biology and even the laws of nature. It is proven that it could not have come about by chance . When judging a situation give it due credence for its merits but beware pitfalls of deceit. Beware snake people lurking unobtrusively in the grasses of the day to day waiting to bite! Mirror your heroes instead of who you envy to become someone you’ll thank yourself for

 i have a very specific and invented self care routine thatis a combination of reflexoology, massage, affirmations and meditation. sometimes i do pyjama yoga

 my theory of life is live and let live. live to be and feel truly alive, hurt no one and take time to lick your wounds. tread softly because you tread on people's dreams.

 sometimes weall just need to breathe. and the air is so tight in our lives itsnice to just stepaside from time to time.

 we are all embarking solo ultimately in this life to be giiiong anywhere and wwe won't even know where we're going until we get there. how beautiful is that?

 family are who we get dumped with but if you believe in divine action they're people there for a reason so make the most out of that lesson. friends are the family we choose.

 im going to Lourdes soon and am preparing for the train journey. nerves, panic, frustration, all present. can i tolerate my mother for 32 hours? i have been frustrated with her because of the therapy realisationa bout why my childhood was so messe up but i think it might be an opportunity to connect fo the first time. i am also planning to seek out Jesus and God and the Archangels about my serious life dilemma.

 i don't tolerate stupidity, i mock it. Anyone can cure their stupidity and its actually their social responsibility.

 the vagaries of thought can be controlled even to the extent of tinking away a mental health problem. get creative within yourself

 i'm going to Lourdes today and I wrote a little prayer and packed my technicolour rosary beads ready for anything that may come #hopeforhealing

 the past has shaped us and we must acknowledge that and choose a lensor lenses to see it through todefine who we are today but the present is all we really have while the future must be ecstasy to provide a strong will to tolerate the troughs of life. then surf the peaks and build your narrative.

 i tend to condone good behaviour with life advice and im very fussy about who i befriend. most people are a snooze fest of nonambition and failures that they did not learn from.

 my philosophy involves forgiveness and rightful action above all else in the case of a grievance. Although ideally forgiveness would be earned and in the meantime i am prone to scorn.

 which my readers will be doing, im not really going to suicide if i can help it im going to get vengeance by naming and shaming instead. its just a form of venting. my life has been so needlessly hard and i was raised by dogs nomad style experienccing life from the edge so i have alot to say

 to paul clarkson and anthony higgins why did you ruin my life and my career? ijustdont get it. i was dilligent and hardworking and progressing and didnt receive an iota of praise.

 is to write a book of lizistic thinking because i have a whole critical theory. it involves avoiding pink  (this represents feminine as weak) and being dubious to a healthy degree such that no guaranteed outcome is ever expected except for a certain degree of optimism like being in a dual quantum state and so forth. more to come

 if anyone is feeling messed up because they relied on me and can't get their head straight (because they never appreciated me) you have to ask  me to solveit for you

 mum, dad, ruth andrew, i told you i was depressed and you laughed. i have the scars to represnet my suicide attempt, rescued by an angel.saint peter turned me awy. i didnt want to be being, because of the "treatment".

 why did you condition me to be silent? Wer e you afraid of what i had to say? it was only going ot be "you're NOT fat, I lvove you". You break my heart by exisitng. And EYE! by my eye, I trained the dogs.

 i died because at school people were rejecting me even though i tutored them and boosted their self esteem and went out on alimb to say "would you be my friend?"

 why didnt you believe me when i cried and said i dont like macaroni cheese? It was torture to be without pleasancy. Growing up. My whole life.