myself and my life

 i have always been searching for meaning and to be understood. because my family led me to believe im an idiot i always lacked any contexxtual awareness, and because the personality disorder put my face in a sneer, i never even saw my own face. so ive been winging, sitting at train stops, resisting the pwoerful urge to suicide when a high speed train goes by beause... we only get one life, or so they say. and parts ARE worth living for. however now that i have the concept of the afterlife im on suicide watch. it would be so nice to die and remake myself and be free of all these misconceptions ad jsut leave earth behind.