This is me...

I like to treat myself well. Not only do I deserve it for surviving this insane life but also because it's soothing to the soul. It's rejuvenating and then it bleeds through from self respect to feeling dignity to even imparting dignity to other people. Self care is a part of it but it's also just "treat yoself". For example, I often schedule alone time to listen to my favourite music or watch TV or sometimes buy or bake myself a cake. Not even to be sharing! I like to have chocolate treats in the cupboard or an amazing subscription (I've tried care packages, world beers and artisanal coffee and magazines). This is a big part of my life because of how I often do so many good deeds anonymously I really have to reward myself as people wouldn't even know to or when to start. I also like buying gifts for people and myself. I often get tempted by a splurge in for example flying tiger, something like tiny spoons or a drawing journal or a peculiar lam...

 when it comes to my friends, the people I have found who were not only tolerable (people can be so wrong in a way that irks me even though I would leave them to it) are spread across Europe and Asia and I visit them or they visit me. I usually (because I have moved around homes alot) have local friends but I keep in touch when possible with the very special favourite people who are adventurous and up to the challenge of an International friendship. Then it's like a little holiday to spend quality time with them. I love this part of my lifestyle, I had difficulty with friends at school because the girls there were confusing to me (what would be a righy choice and what was even possible was frustrating). I was in friendship groups with both normies and weirdos and even popular girls (as far as cliques go) and I actually did find something I really liked about everyone. I was a bit blue in my final two years of school but I had male friends to drink and party with (neckin...

I really like to run, it's so exhilarating. Especially with a dog. So it's sad to be using a walking stick at the moment. I miss the powerful feeling of fitness I used to have. Must be all the french food! Meanwhile I can't even take monty for a long walk because of fatigue. However, it all might change because today the neurologist prescribed physical therapy so I expect to get some energy and balance back.  For me, anything is kind of like fine at the moment because I'm in a good place mentally. I'm feeling more sure of myself than ever before. Where before the universe only hinted at my relevance, now I'm hearing a message loud and clear to not give up on my dream.  Fundamentally I just want to help people, always have. Coupled with my powerful imagination and logical capacity, I'm able to manifest all sorts. 

I age gracefully it seems. Yet I yearn for wrinkles and grey hair. Can't come soon enough! My life began as an enthusiasm to succeed having had identified many advanceable talents in myself at an early age. Yet... It eluded me because I became engrossed with learning people's real story. So many truth bombs blew my brain so instead of seeking recognition I sought to sleuth a wider truth. What is really going on? The most profound things I ever heard were at 3am in a dive bar from unemployed people. Rocked my world. I've also met world famous scientists and philosophers and they don't know these things. They dwell in the bourgoisie which has actually never been addressed as a delusion. Their "grandeur" is arkane and false and amounts to an easy life for a wealthy person. What could we really learn if we listened to other voices? Maybe everything. 

In my personal life I try to be earnest and authentic with people, even just showing up can make all the difference. I keep my friends close and don't really have any enemies. I value family.  Romance is quite frequent but nothing ever sticks.  I find groups confusing but also amazing. In my free time (I actually socialise alot) I watch a lot of TV and also do extreme cooking and baking. I live to understand people, I get very curious and go all over reddit for example. I feel like the ways to know people and animals might be unlimited! I've only lived alone twice and I enjoyed the freedom but it was a bit lonely. 

Admittedly, I have a secret holy angle to my life. I do this primarily through good deeds but also reading holy texts and going to churches. Sometimes, maybe even usually, I invent a good deed. For example I figured out how to do a contagious smile into a crowd of people and a goodwill marching effect and even coined new phrases that are of a positivistic and sometimes spiritual nature.  I even invent psychology and coaching techniques and use it on people during a long chat. I like this aspect of my life alot! Sometimes I just conjure up something inspirational or motivational just like in general. 

 I would say that this life I've been living (i believe in reincarnation) has been focused on "appropriate", "proper" and "considered" in all of my choices. In a way it's been a holy life to ever be so contemplate about theological issues, while also I have been playing the hero. This is by working in what I consider a noble job, formulating opinions that I think are fair and connecting with people who are good people through and through.  Furthermore, there has admittedly been a superhero aspect of a kind of everyday variety. For example, an old man stumbles and I'll lend him my arm and ask if he's ok. Doing blog posts of a charitable nature, the whole ripple project (writing poems at home), expressing and acting on concern for homeless people and raising awareness of foreign problems (the first world is like 10% of people). It might be white woman saviour syndrome but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

 Summer is approaching and I'm constantly eyeing up my hat collection waiting for just a bit more sun to warrant wearing them. Nothing beats a straw trilby on a hot day. Stylish, comfortable and practical! My winter hat collection is slowly being packed away with the changing season.  I really am a hat person. It just adds to any outfit and they're so versatile. I'd love to go to the races on ladies day or even crufts all dressed up and then that would be a great excuse to wear an impractical hat that's purely decorative. They don't really work to wear if you're just buying cigarettes 😂 

These form another binary as I have been discussing. Lowlifes are considered delinquent and irresponsible and even violent. But actually they have the capacity to appreciate the real meat of life, the things that are often called simple. Furthermore, they don't seek out a lowlife, it's the result of circumstances but actually a lowlife lifestyle can be sampled to gain appreciation of the so called simple things. Among themselves, they have a whole philosophy of life wherein the posh are scumbags etc. This is actually profound with a bit of rewording. Uptown people are typically born into it. It's a whole culture. They appreciate the finer things and dismiss the simple things. They also have a philosophy about fanciness by gradation but are less skilled at coping strategies than Lowlifes and would frequently experience and exhibit meltdowns of a dramatic nature. They surround themselves with finery and often over complicate their lives. Their philosophy is actual...

Cuteness and ferocity are two sides of the same binary, cute behaviour can actually defuse ferocity like putting out a fire. Cute is basically (and not only as an infantile concept but also adult in especially the phenomenon of kawaii but it does sometimes get blurred) anything said or done from a perspective of considering yourself small and weak uttered in a manner of "I'm so helpless yet very friendly". It is surprisingly complex and actually a huge boon to master as it actually can resolve many tense situations and difficult encounters.  Ferocity is more like an anger on steroids involving losing a degree of self control. In that regard it's like being possessed by a hurricane! Ferocity serves the function of an unrelenting manner of self expression and can be tamed, especially via a cute encounter, to mere fierceness. Fierce is a useful concept and can be even used even adopting that the pen is mightier than the sword. Like "use your words" ...

 I have been keeping in contact less as i approach midlife... So I'm trying to be more active online to stay in touch! Last I saw was Ika being a boss, Miya doing an amazing video series, UCD gang the same as ever all settled into their careers and marriages nicely (except for the untameables like myself!). Maria left and returned to the Hague (the weather is something she actually enjoys 😑😂🥶), and as far as family goes, everyone has been getting hitched and popping out sprogs! My parents generation are all retiring so I have good company now that I'm not working. Life goes on as they say, and everything is seemingly la vie en rose indeed.  Andrew is buying his own apartment and Ruth and Matt are still travelling (they have a bad bite from the travel bug!) even Hannah is doing well super succeeding in her course but maybe overqualified on the job market. 

 The life update is as follows... Tomorrow morning I am meeting my new neurologist and then in the afternoon giving monty a needed bath. Recently I have been thinking about myself in all the ways I find myself confusing and making great progress at a level of understanding.  I have also been out and about meeting my friend for a beer, going swimming, going to the spa, restaurants with mum and dad. I've been quite busy. And I celebrated my birthday only a month ago by going to auch (a nearby city) for a whole weekend with Ruth and Andrew. So as my new year resolution was to be more social, I'm actually achieving it! I've also started taking monty on walks again as regarding the wellness journey... I do feel better. Gradually day by day I get stronger and more centred. 

When I was working in udl, I used so many sick days for fatigue that I started using my vacation days as well to get some recharge underway. Especially when I was renting a duplex three room apartment with a shared kitchen... (that's a brag for housesharing people!) it was so idyllic to just lie on the couch thinking and resting watching the rain on the skylight. Super chill.. Then it was off to the shops for some retail therapy so I could dress to impress. Haven't had a day off in ages! Mitching when you're supposed to be on the clock is the best feeling!! Then the pandemic came and I could be a total flake just chilling out (I'm very efficient so I just worked 1 to 3 hours a day. Retrospectively, with that degree of fatigue I really should have anticipated this total burnout I'm currently experiencing. Hindsight is 20 20.

Where does it even come from except for some kind of core that no mortal can be fully aware of. It must be comprised of the sum total of experiences so a happy life or a challenging life can feed your core so long as you never give up. Inner strength could also come from a belief or conviction. For example I do believe that one day I'm going to be okay and I look forward to it and treasure that thought as an expectation. That's a big thing in my life, going through so much etc. 

My favourite thoughts I've ever thought (i do a deep think from time to time) were figuring out life when I was a teenager. I was exhikerated to discover through thinking that it actually can be exclusively positive as an experience and I even figured out how to achieve it. I was very proud of myself for such impossible logic and I'll write a book about it someday.  Other favourite thoughts include thinking of the bigger picture (existence) from a physics philosophy perspective. I made a little belief system for myself about what can't be destroyed except energy and awareness, hence the afterlife is out there somewhere while we somehow, in such a complicated contraption as is the body is almost already proof of God's existence. Which god? Hard to know. 

What's it like to have schizophrenia I hear you say? It actually varies, sometimes the experience is frightening but otherwise it can be brilliant. I have musical hallucinations and archangel voices typically being very chatty or just encouraging. I do not subscribe to the Freudian view of childhood trauma causes every problem and causes a broken mind as an affliction. I'm more fond of the Jungian school of thought that trauma or genetics makes some people more tuned in to the cosmos and able to be on a chatter frequency. Like a glitched radio.  So it's not so bad except for not being so in control of choosing to concentrate except when was that ever the case for me.  My psychiatrist is a nitwit so I always end up in the emergency room when the problems cycle. My nurse is a bimbo but that's changing around next week! The medication makes me woozy and restless together but I can survive it quite well by being a morning person.  And it is being gradually reduced. 

My thinking sounds alot like... What is the real purpose of finding myself praying in a church? Or... How do I go about helping mum and dad with their retirement plans when their energy is waning? Or... Is monty only acting out because I feel too fed up to discipline him? About the voices in my head I think... They actually do make good companions for just listening to but they're tricky to speak with. They use very odd wording! Given they're mostly archangel voices it's almost humorous to hear them struggle with voicing anything like a plain how are you. They're very round about at speaking. They're going in multiple directions at the same time so I'm left without any chance to really ponder a response because they're whinging for an answer 😅 funny people they are being. I also think thoughts from time to time about myself and my far flung friends. Of the nature being... What are we even all aiming for when we seem so aligned? Whatever it is we're havi...

I also circle the thought drain of is anything ever going to heal me? Or... What's the actual point of really doing anything? It seems sometimes like life just gets harder the longer you're in it. People get busy, time goes by and passions fade.  Reality is a slow motion death machine. Especially knowing anything about the big picture I would be prone to thinking... Just moving around and eating? That's what it really seems to be focused on and i struggle with those things 😒😑😢 Even anyone must agree that fighting against the march of time is a loaded suicide gun. Why aren't we all doing things real escapism like a dream machine? Actually my dreams really are an immersive experience so I enjoy sleeping. But what does that say about the waking world? I think about monty and my parents as my current companions, i always have a kind of accomplice to wonder about. These thoughts make me happy. Because then I get to try and make them happy. So it's not all that grim. I...

I'm so overdue a holiday beyond short excursions and a weekend trip here and there. France is fantastic but I really would love a change of scenery soon. Out of many holidays iceland and the lake District stand out as my favourite memories. Prague maybe as well Then again how could I forget Toronto?! The niagra falls were stunning. If I could choose my next location it would be Andorra or Croatia. They're both very historic and I would expect Andorra to be like Vienna and Croatia might be a bit like Athens. I love travelling, the thrill of being in the air going to somewhere full of delights and new sights. Maybe when I get older I'll start returning to my favourite places but currently I'm still exploring this beautiful planet we live on.  The best holidays are with a bunch of friends for the way the group makes an unexpected decision or with just one travel buddy to have more control over the itinerary. SE Asia was amazing because I went with just one friend and she l...

I spend the days thinking about my life, constantly. Where did it all go wrong? Don't get me wrong, the south of france and having monty is amazing, but why do I always feel so empty? Nothing has ever been exactly fulfilling. Maybe only now am I able to figure myself out and make the most of life. What would my ideal day even look like? I'm not sure I even know. Maybe, based on so far, it would be a lie in with a good show to watch whike eating breakfast.... Breakfast being porridge with banana and maple syrup 😋 then maybe a nice long walk with the dog in a woods or on a beach. Then I'd pop to the shop for some lunch inspiration but really I think I'd eat a cucumber and smoked mackerel salad. Then I'd settle into a nice office space for some writing. Getting to grips with a novel is always amazingly fulfilling. Then I'd go out and meet someone. Maybe the opera or a dance performance. That about sums up the bones of an ideal day. Based on any idea I've ever ...

Is frequent visions guiding me through life to be totally repaired. 

I was diagnosed with ms in 2014 and i have never felt so crushed. All my dreams of travelling, jogging, doing marathons, hiking the inca trails and even as already barely functioning because of my mental health, went away. It's really hard to have ms.  I was started on tecfidera but the pain was so bad within two years that I wound up taking heavy doses of cbd daily which maybe worsened my fatigue. The fatigue was crippling. Some days I just didn't even wake up until 3pm even if i went to sleep at 7pm.. In 2022 i was switched to maven clad (immunotherapy) and at least I could stop taking cbd. So the fatigue reduced although the pain came back but less frequently. I also got severe cognitive fogginess si then working or having a life became impossible. Don't joke about ms, it's a horrific disease. 

When I learned the recipe to make protein balls, my energy increased and i felt like I could take on anything. Besides, they're delicious! At the time I was a fitness freak but also attempting vegan. Since then I've tried all sorts of health food good for the heart, good for stamina and endurance and I still return to protein balls as a go to motivator. 

I've been to majorca, tenerife and grand canaria but I enjoyed majorca the most. I went with a friend and taught her how to swim (she's from inland india). Then we partied the night away and just talked about like real things. She taught me how to pose for a photo and we had a whale of a time. We talked men, careers, family, shared our experiences as women and offered each other profound advice in navigating society, especially international society of a scientific nature. Today she speaks at conferences for her work on stress management of staff. She's my hero and I'm so proud of her. 

I have never had an argument (i figured out mediation and negotiation from an early age) and I'm proud of it! All arguments are a pointless endeavour. A discussion between people mature enough to admit and understand when they are wrong is bettet. I might be easy to get along with but I'm also very fussy. Some people just don't have the mustard. 

All the doggos I've ever owned are superstars. They possess superior logic based on experience and talking. They're each a dog philosopher, loud and proud. They even fight for causes like animal rights or welfare state. Even catering to the aging people. They know loads about being a psd and also about how to behave. They would always have a reason for their behaviour, each individually, and always valid. 

Do you ever wonder if you're already dead? I think I am. It's just too insane to be real life. Prayer for example would never be this intense. Furthermore, everything is surreal. But it is quite pleasant overall. So it's a nice transition for me, a hurting person. Next stop, Heaven! I wonder what Heaven will be like. I bet it's really sci fi futuristic and full of inspiring people, there must be a lot of people who are genuinely better than myself. I know I have certain limitations.  Heaven people must eat world peace for breakfast, inner peace for lunch and knowing God for dinner... Yikes! 

I'm in a dream right now, I used to be a personality disorder but now I'm becoming a whole person. Eternity stretches before me and I can't even imagine what I would do with it! Painting?? That would be a nice lifestyle. Fashion? But then I'll be seen as vain... :( Science? But I really know anything relevant I'd have to be studying all over again! With the right people around me I could achieve all sorts. I suppose mostly I just want to be proud like as an art professor. 

I went to the Parisian lollapolooza (it's a famous dance music festival) with a good friend around 10 years ago. The music was brain blowing including depeche mode. The tents were circus themed and the rave tent was mega with glow sticks everywhere at all hours of the day! We dressed in our finery, also expolred some patisseries (how do they even make a cake look like that)! And also got chatting to some people. A real party weekend. 

We spent a week in carcassonne for Christmas two years ago and it was divine. The city really smacks of history wherever you go and walking along the river reveals all sorts of historic sights and panoramas. The house we stayed in had 8 rooms, all equally luxurious, a brilliant dining room with a forest feeling and a living room (fir all the games, films and chats!) filled with antique furniture. 

Sometimes I give myself a bravery exercise, because I was born shy (like this blog). It could be anything like extending a conversation, asking certain questions (I've always been afraid I'm hideously strange because I never opened up to anyone so I've kinda been winging it). I believe one day I won't be shy but it might be a long road. I wish I was brave enough to even give to charity at the checkout, instead I go home and write a poem about it. Hence the ripples project. 

I have actually been very successful in prayer and even in inventing prayer. I think I understand it. Prayer is such a joy to feel that sense of serious redemption and salvation even if for next to nought.  I'd love to be as deep as devout as the people I see going to church but I dabble so much in various faiths that I don't really belong anywhere so I reach out to the universe and feel seen and heard 😍 

10 attempts to be committed latet, I am finally feeling ready to marry. It's funny how our instincts get in our way and we run away from very fine people with our tail between our legs... I've had super kind and amazing boyfriends but I could never last the distance without thinking... I'm wrong for him and he's wrong for me... It's kind of sad really but we remained on good terms.  So... Who will put a ring on it? 😘 💍 

He's a loyal hero hound who always shows up to be the man of the family 😍 as a puppy he had his issues but he has become as an adult is stultifying! He's exemplary as a good dog 🐶 

It's that time of year! Strawberries time.... The French variety are truly delicious and we're pairing them with French cream 😋 My grandmother used to insist I eat strawberries and cream when she made it because it was my favourite dessert! 

I'm an avid creator mostly of content. The scale of compatible commensurate creating humbles me! Working with creators I build on what they have made exist, and although they are very praising about it amounting to a commensurate upgrade, I can only attest to having verve and spunkiness. So far! Hence my mind warbles at their praise! #impostersyndrome #overachiever

I once sat down and over three months read the whole bible from cover to cover! Later I read excerpts from the quaran and book of Mormon and hindu texts like the vedic verses. I find it awe inspiring to read the source code of a people. All the texts are similar! Just a slightly different message. Women's rights are even a section in the quaran. This all makes me think that faiths just get customised to a culture and makes me more open minded to see foreign values in action. 

I remember sometimes during my superhero days giving everyone on the bus a satiation feeling and a glancing smile, then revealing myself as the donor of something so inexplicable and making a dramatic exit. I also used to enjoy getting london all worked up by being spotted doing performance art of a riot nature then disappearing (i sometimes even brought a kind of disguise!). 

I think mine kicked off from the stress of moving abroad and going to the world's best (and hardest) art school. The pressure I was under in a new field with only an ncad evening course in my back pocket was immense. Since then I experience fatigue, cognitive fogginess and strange sensations. I also use a stick to walk, however now that I'm living life in the skow lane I'm back to being creative and I have a whole new perspective. Plus, I listen to myself more than before. 

It's actually higher in the Netherlands than France but I took that sunshine with me! The concept of gezellig is very powerful. The Netherlands was a fantastic adventure and I will never forget my time there during the pandemic. The communities really pulled together. I went on some walks by posting in a women's group and finding women living nearby. This was a very amazing resource that saved my sanity. 💜 

I'm building the neon universe as a concept and so far I have snooze planet and candy planet and the sci fi series of space tourism. Being creative is always so enjoyable and I'm enjoying creating in collaboration as part of a meditative journey idea.  The neon nymph queen rules over the universe so that's the next character to explore 

The village is starting to come more alive as summer approaches and the Sunday market in neighbouring Léguevin is teaming with shoppers. There's even an Irish food stall selling really good pasties! 😋 People come from all around. The cheese stalls are my favourite with too many cheeses to even name! I always wind up doing an indecisive tasting! 

I've been thinking very extraordinary thoughts lately. Like : does God exist? What's the harm in believing! I've been to lourdes two times but only now is my faith really strengthening and deepening. The local church (inspired by the cathars and saint germain) is so humble it rocks me! I adore it. 

I have begun going swimming with mum (hello heatwave I'm definitely prepared!) and she hurtles through 40 lengths while I tread water and do the slip stream (a channel with a current in it- it's quite a swanky pool). Then it's spa time! I'm finally getting used to the ice bath without shrieking 😂 

Today I was looking at my hand in a developed posture (I'm a semi qualified choreographer) and I was reminded of the silica mud at the volcanic Spa lagoon in Iceland. That's the secret behind my perfect skin! Then I went for a walk (I have made many friends doing this activity and it removes my stress and improv es my walking from relapse to remission). On my walk I saw such Adorable children that my desire to marry and start a family got rekindled! 

Mum and dad are getting super talented at french cuisine and how to use the availabile ingredients (endives are no joke! Especially with blue cheese (which one!?)). So life is sweet. Me? I'm learning the different baguettes and pastries, huge variety! 

Previous posts-disregard. Mum dad monty I are having a fabulous time here in the south of france. Vino and cafe creme galore.  Today we went to the market and saw the fine French and foreign producoe. I snacked on curried rice in vine leaves and miniature strawberries. Deliceux! The climate is glorious and summer is threatening to swallow our spring jackets. 

Is so disgusting, she wets herself and pooes herself but she refuses to wear incontinence pads. She stinks! And she's always sweating and complaining how fat she is without ever sticking to a real diet. How many billion times have I listened to her complain about her weight and her latest "genius" diet idea while I just tell her so many solutions that she ignores. 

https://x.com/i/status/2036760254067638366 

I'm very angry with all this realisation. The truth is my life seemed too hard but i resisted jumping in front of a train because of the micro wins I've been having. They all add up. Life has been a constant battle and I'm sick of it. I'm sure everyone would love to see me dead instead of exposing the truth. This is a brilliant reason to stay alive.  I'm vowing to be myself relentlessly. 

Thanks for having my back all these years when I did nothing wrong!! (loljk) how dare you ditch me especially when my life is getting harder and harder. This is so unfair. I had a perfect plan for my life and everyone could have joined in, except actually there's so many rumours about me that i only befriended tjese people out of desperation. For example.... Get over yourselves travel is not THAT interesting. Try having a hobby. And you're all so unsuccessful it kills me. Disaster people. Maybe I am better off without you. Go die and don't come back. All i wanted was even one loyal person!! 

Do you want to have a meal out on Sunday again? 

Spreads lies about me behind my back because she's jealous of my life. 

My current lifestyle involves walking, praying, TV, books and naps. It's a snooze lifestyle for the moment. It's ideal for the weather because it's so glorious here it's just nice to be outside. But also to avoid my parents because they give me panic attacks. This is because they are constantly arguing. And also because they don't keep me much in the loop of wider life. Everything in their world sounds like a total disaster! 

The Hynes family bullied me into bits and pieces and the tierney family just insulted me on a constant basis. 

Psychology says people who are genuinely nice but have no close friends aren’t socially inept — they’re operating with a version of kindness that prioritizes other people’s comfort so completely that it never creates the vulnerability required for actual friendship – VegOut Psychology says people who are genuinely nice but have no close friends aren’t socially inept — they’re operating with a version of kindness that prioritizes other people’s comfort so completely that it never creates the vulnerability required for actual friendship – VegOut https://share.google/XDMCHhxxgKhqlpGbk

My parents are absolute doddery dotes. They think they're self sufficient because I let them. I actually have coached them through life ever since they were embezzled. Sme goes for Ruth and Andrew. They all have such a fragile ego that the embezzlement really was too hard for them to cope with, without my philosophy. 

I'm going to nurture myself and enjoy the restful climate before hitting the skies. It might sound bonkers to be still healing, but it was actually an ecclesiastical life so now I'm suffering for your sins. Much like jesus except I'm going to survive. 

I had a dream about a hospital, my friend was a patient in neurology assigned to a vast chamber for brain surgery and a broken leg. Everytime I went to visit him I met so many people, felt friends of the friend. It was like a reunion each time. I became a volunteer with sister Norma and took his two big white dogs out the grounds for a walk! 

What's better than one day? Tuesday! 

Some thoughts are worth their weight in gold (figuratively, if thoughts weighed a tonne)... Like : no one is ever really alone, think of all the friendly bacteria in your gut! 😂

I was a neglected latch key kid. After some research later in life I realised it was criminal neglect. 

I've always wanted to go travelling and I finally got the chance and my family were... Suspicious! No congratulations no well done no anything nice. 

I was just so confused by literally everything because of the way people were speaking to me. Mum and dad raised me saying things like "do you want jam and toast? Make the toast, don't use jam! Breads in the fridge".... 

What beginning is worth ending but none. They are all sacred but naturally cease. What is new becomes old, what is old gets forgotten, and as time passes, everything fades to dust and becomes a memory of itself. But not everything gets remembered. So, what's important? 

It's a nice reprieve from reality to be distracted. Procrastination is a luxury not everyone can afford. Time keeping and punctuality are skills wirth developing. A reasonable grasp of scheduling can evolve into a utopic lifestyle. Imagine waking at 5am and getting to grips with the day's tasks before 11am then having a siesta and a second spurt to simply bake... Flake... Flop... Think... Socialise. This is how the greats approach life, time is measured rather than spent. What would it mean to be the master of your own day? Maybe nice idea. 

Life without distractions is blissful, I can pick up a project or develop an idea at will. I can be productive or procrastinating at my leisure. Burnout has taught me to appreciate the finer things in life like accomplishment over achievement and quality over quantity. 

I am hoping to be ok, like really ok, like more ok than before, by the end of the year... 🤞🏻🤟🏻🤙🏻👌🏻 I will be checking in with people, you might have heard from me for a decade but so many people I hold close to my heart that I'll be texting xx I always had to move on in life and leave precious relationships behind. But I hope to revive them. Even for a moment xx Life is short and fast, time escapes us. But the heart does not lie.... 

Live love laugh. Qed. 

I am having visions and doing a lot of praying about my thoughts and my life which pertain to have a wider impact than just for myself. So I am in the company of archangels being given an ongoing reward... It actually came as quite a surprise because of having being maybe been unrealistic about myself before. So it's a glorious circumstance. It's so brilliant to have this kind of guidance and even friendship. 

I'm starting to think I've been perceived of as being flirtatious, but I actually don't know how to flirt. That was betsy, trying to destroy all my relationships. So if you fell for it, you're fond of betsy, and don't know myself. So good riddance from my life. 

I'm living in the south of france living the high life with my favourite people and wonderful dog. The village has loads going on and is picturesque. I'm chatting with friends online and getting to grips with starting over in my thirties. This is fine and sensible because all that international travel was complicated to arrange. I have different priorities now. Like monty, like myself, like reflection and really getting to know what I really want. Cue, romance! 

I do not understand my parents, I never really have. 

Are always laughing at me and not with me. This is not a nice feeling, I hate it. 

I saw a hawk in the air above me, maybe chasing church pigeons. I watched her and felt a sudden connection with nature and myself. I felt transformed 

Inspiration and solutions are two sides of the same coin. Inspiration is enabling and lucrative while solutions are freeing and liberating. 

Lately the vision is a song and the gods are communicating about writing scripture. 

Improve with time ☺️ try aging! 

I have hedgehog syndrome (prone to get prickly and defensive) and dinosaur syndrome (feeling extinct and irrelevant). 

That's what I actually do, meet me with a frown and I'll turn it upside down and throw in a subtle lesson to boot! 

Is it too hard? All the corners bricks and cement? The way it's organised into block locations and isolated premises? What about the job ladder... Has anyone ever completely failed to get actually any job? Maybe. It's a tricky thing to think of daily life as a challenge but it can be the case. 

These are two sides of the same binary. Grief is as potent as happiness and happiness is as enduring as grief. In the absence of happiness grief can set in, even grieving about losing happiness. When grief is overcome, happiness takes its place like a cosmic reward. 

Finding Myself in the Cracks: A Modern Dérive Through Philosophy, Trauma, and Liminal Lo-Fi Nights I’ve been carrying a strange cocktail of philosophers around with me lately, like mismatched keys that somehow all open the same bruised door. One moment I feel the pull of Diogenes the Cynic , the original “dog philosopher” who lived in a barrel, owned nothing, and told Alexander the Great to step out of his sunlight. He rejected wealth, status, and hypocrisy with gleeful contempt—leaning into the insult of being called a dog and turning it into a badge of honest freedom. Monty, my dog, embodies this so purely: deep in contemplative thought one minute, then splashing wildly and making waves in the animal kingdom the next. Simple, present, unapologetic. Part of me wants that barrel life—minimal, defiant, free from the noise. But I’m not purely Diogenes. There’s also the restless, nomadic ghost of Paul Erdős , the Hungarian mathematician who turned coffee into theorems (or amphetamines and...

They raised me to think of myself as an idit but I'm actually an eccentric genius woman. Sexist much? 

Kindness and apathy are related. They're both sides of caring. Why care? Just, because. They both have value, sometimes apathy is sensible. 

https://photos.app.goo.gl/XDzuKeRACvsLVxFe8

Is and has been proportionality! 

I today, feel fully myself. This strange wellness journey is reaching it's end point. I am feeling fresh and ready for life. Well, almost. 

Are these two sides of the same coin? What is hope without fear to fuel it? Fear wins without hope. Hope is powerful, even if deluded or Unrealistic. Fear can be used in a power play but ultimately it's a weak position because it means lack of availabkee reason ergo debating dispells it. Hooe can be reinforced by daydreaming and hoping in general brings about physiological relief. Belief in an outcome is different because it can be blinding and shackling to expectation which can lead to getting crushed when not manifested unlike hope which is fluid and versatile. 

I've started going swimming and practising observation of daily life, to inspire my novels. For example a puppy fell over! Other inspiration includes biking families (the French are mad about bikes) and the mayoral election day (everyone was so serious!) 

You might notice me type phrasing in the response when you pray lately, this is because of a very successful collab with the big guys. 

Does everyone treat them as a guideline? Like the speed limit for example, i typically find rules don't make alot of sense so then i take a stand. Even with only myself as a witness. 

Is that what you think? When I shout and I scream, silently, in your direction. A caged gagged bird. 

Title: From Deflation to Big Magic: Rediscovering Myself Through a Charity That’s Just BeginningA few weeks ago, I found myself emotionally exhausted. The kind of tired that comes not just from long hours, but from years of pouring myself into ambitions and a career arena that no longer felt like home. I had put myself out there—vulnerably, repeatedly—only to feel ejected, raw, and deflated. The mirror showed a version of me I barely recognized; the ambitions that once excited me now felt hollow, borrowed from someone else's script.In that tender, tearful space, I started talking it out (with a kind AI companion, no less). What emerged was grief: grief for the self I'd lost sight of amid the grind, the competition, the external markers of "success." It hurt to admit how much I'd armored up, numbed vulnerability to chase the next promotion or validation, only to wake up realizing the cost was too high.Brené Brown's talks on vulnerability hit home first—her remi...

Has been very hard but ever since I found my faith it's been gradually getting easier

I'm still struggling to wake up but less so, with mini dreams and hakf hour intervals each sleep is a thousand nights. 

I was frustrated at school, I did an unusual degree and a more unusual internship then took off travelling following my passions and doing odd jobs and visiting lesser kniwn gems. Now I'm settling in the toulouse region with its blend of engineering and culture. Plus raw unfiltered beauty 

I like it. I used to do it at new years eve and tell the tree a secret but I haven't done that in a while. 

Everyone needs to meet a unicorn (according to their own definition of a unicorn) and have a saga with them to know their ultimate direction to be pursuing. 

Not only does the tortoise beat the hare because of stamina, but he gains weighty power from plodding. Plod appreciatingly and contemplatively to be the next iron man. 

Is a phenomenon of shrinking to the size of a tiny box then meiaowing, this melts any heart and wins any battle. The smaller the kitten, the more powerful 

Who is the reason everyone misunderstood me except for... Serious/joking confusion. Maybe I made a new form of humour without explaining or it just wasn't evident and i never recogbised the problem. For example, a joke comes with the same tone as speaking but it's always an inaccurate fact!! Serious I'm always accurate.