thoughts

I also circle the thought drain of is anything ever going to heal me? Or... What's the actual point of really doing anything?

It seems sometimes like life just gets harder the longer you're in it. People get busy, time goes by and passions fade. 

Reality is a slow motion death machine. Especially knowing anything about the big picture I would be prone to thinking... Just moving around and eating? That's what it really seems to be focused on and i struggle with those things 😒😑😢

Even anyone must agree that fighting against the march of time is a loaded suicide gun. Why aren't we all doing things real escapism like a dream machine? Actually my dreams really are an immersive experience so I enjoy sleeping. But what does that say about the waking world?

I think about monty and my parents as my current companions, i always have a kind of accomplice to wonder about. These thoughts make me happy. Because then I get to try and make them happy. So it's not all that grim. I just wish I didn't have ms. Schizophrenia is also a hard experience. I'm afraid of losing my grasping of reality and falling away from even the meagre life i have remaining. It's very draining to have to deal with two chronic conditions. And the tablets are terrible for side effects. I get so restless that I wind up roaming the streets listening to the voices in my head and so confused I can't even write or cook (i used to love cooking for myself).

As for my relatively new habit of praying, I don't think I've quite got the hang of it yet. What are we even supposed to pray for? Are we supposed to amass objects rather than memories? Objects can be meaningful I suppose, and actually I really struggle with my memory so maybe objects are a better idea to just kind of like live in the moment.

It's not all bad.