how I'm feeling

I feel kind of mixed up, like everything is going well. I don't have anything to worry about, but it's also so odd.

Happy? In a way maybe to a large degree. Content? Very. Cared for? Absolutely.

But also... Some kind of poignancy is lingering and diluting all the positive emotions. Where does it come from? My childhood? Lol, sorry Freud but that's not it.

I think it's actually from my adult life, ever since I went abroad. The whole experience was a series of lucky gambles and something like providence at play for sure. Amazing people, amazing places. Maybe though tbh it was a bit of a blow that it was Swansea (famously called the pretty shitty city by Dylan Thomas), Milton Keynes (famous for roundabouts and concrete cows) and the Hague (centre of all sorts of politics aka administration). Also London but I actually couldn't handle London.

So I did find their underground scenes and cultural elites and saw more opera than I can remember, but really if things happen for a reason, what does it say about me?

While I was living there I felt on some level that I'd let myself down. And I kind of experienced beautiful mind polite ideas of "shouldn't you be in Cambridge!?". I actually spent a day in Cambridge and hated it for its pretension so maybe if I was happy where I went, and I had a little niche, then it is about me about me, as those places.

And now... It's brax! A very bizarre village. It's like the Guilford girls... Their town.. Except overgrown and unpaved! It's a bit rough and ready. But the edginess here amounts to : pink shirted barman, grumpy wine bar hosts, delapiated church and a certain smack of "it's not easy to live in a mountain forest". So I respect the people here.

The community events in Brax speak of it's soul and character and they actually are fabulous. Everyone gatjers for music, crafts, cinema or music periodically. 

It's a salt of the earth philosophy and a windswept way of life. I still thought of east toulouse but I went there for a lake picnic and it actually feels too steoford wives, fresh from "buildatown. Com.".

Even toulouse is only nice to visit. I don't do well living near homeless people for example, too much sympathy. 

I did like issegiac... But it's so tiny and remote. And really once you've done three looos it's old news. 

So maybe brax is a diamond in the rough (not as rough as anywhere I've been before!) and already showing signs of an upgrade.

So it could be... Happy ever after 🤞🏻