why i never spoke out before

 i would try, but i couldnt get the wors out and its only after industrial amounts of prayer and refelction that i can even verbalise "you kill me with that type of caring" and "you did not raise me yu conditioned me". these are complex concepts. besides that, i would tremble and sweat and get a heart pain as though i would die if i finished my sentence. ive actually had heart attacks while writing this blog with some miraculous intervention bringoing about srival. plus the meds. im sedated like a racehorse at the vet.

and IF you recall i did  be saying, "what do you mean?" and "NNO!" and "stop teasing me" and "im NOT that kind of person" and "I actually dont lie as a rule".