what I'm thinking...

How insane is it to live my life? Very insane. I'm not exactly incredulous more like broken to know the truth. It just barely saves me to solve it. Because it's always been there and could have remained so. Why? Who IS the cruel pupeteer? No way is it fair or just or even as a lesson! Hardship as a fact of life? Who's idea was tbat? It's beyond criminal to not prevent it! Did someone further up the food chain go genuinely insane? Thinking "suffering... Genius". That's the impression! 😭

I just can't stand reality, the past is a blemish on what we should have already become. So I just retreat and meddle in the affairs of men and women from time to time hoping to alleviate the circumstance. But what even is that? A one woman essentially hopeless at the outset except for the imagination of the silent observer. Why should it come so close to pain forever? How many times has reality tried to make it work out. It's like existence learned a hard lesson before and played a losing hand on purpose in a wild gambit of sorts. Why are morals so set as impossible?

So I cry and I think, nothing. Not for me to say. But it's someday maybe a real question.